Bryan (Neil Patrick Harris, pictured): You ever heard of the term ‘anger sex’?
Sue: The only kind I know.
”I’m gonna make it a habit to not stop and talk to students because this has been a colossal waste of my time.”
”So you like show tunes. It doesn’t mean you’re gay. It just means you’re awful.”
”I might buy a small diaper for your chin, because it looks like a baby’s ass.”
”What’s that smell? It’s coffee. It’s usually masked by the smell of fear.”
”I will no longer be carrying around photo ID. Know why? People should know who I am.”
”How do you two not have a show on Bravo?”
”You don’t deserve the power of Madonna…. Simply put, you have all the sexuality of all those pandas down at the zoo who refuse to mate.”
”I thought I smelled cookies wafting from the ovens of the little elves that live in your hair.”
”You think this is hard? I’m passing a gallstone as we speak. That is hard!”
”I’m going to ask you to smell your armpits. That’s the smell of failure, and it’s stinking up my office.”
”That was the most offensive thing I’ve seen in 20 years of teaching — and that includes an elementary school production of Hair.”
Sue: ”Iron tablet? It keeps your strength up when you menstruate.”
Will: ”I don’t menstruate.”
Sue: ”Neither do I.”
”I’m about to projectile express myself all over your Hush Puppies.”
”You think this was hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and being told they’re going in another direction. That was hard.”
”I’m all about empowerment. I empower my Cheerios to live in a state of constant fear by creating an environment of irrational, random terror.”
”You’re dealing with children. They need to be terrified. It’s like mother’s milk to them.”
Will: ”I will destroy you.”
Sue: ”I am about to vomit down your back.” — Sue and Will, whispering into each other’s ear while forced to hug by Principal Figgins
”I always thought the desire to procreate showed deep personal weakness.”
”I don’t trust a man with curly hair. I can’t help picturing small birds laying sulfurous eggs in there, and I find it disgusting.”
”I can’t stand the sight of kids getting emotional, unless it’s from physical exhaustion.”
”I am going to create an environment so toxic no one will want to be part of that club. Like the time I sold my house to a nice young couple and salted the earth in the backyard so that nothing could grow there for 100 years. Know why I did that? Because they tried to get me to pay their closing costs.”
”I like minorities so much, I’m thinking of moving to California to become one.”
”Look at me. Even in the heat of battle, I’m so elegant, regal. I am Ajax, mighty Greek warrior.”
”I, for one, think intimacy has no place in a marriage. Walked in on my parents once, and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling.”
”You sunk my battleship, Rod. And you sunk it hard.”
”…I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark, cold night, I will steal away into your house…and punch you in the face.”
”Me, I never wanted kids — don’t have the time, don’t have the uterus.”
![<p>”[Wheelchair ramps] are what I call lazy-makers. They discourage able-bodied students from getting proper exercise by using the stairs.”</p>](https://ewedit.files.wordpress.com/2015/01/9-sue-lazymakers_l.jpg?w=400)
”[Wheelchair ramps] are what I call lazy-makers. They discourage able-bodied students from getting proper exercise by using the stairs.”
”If I have a pregnant girl doing a handspring into a double layout, the judges aren’t going to be admiring her impeccable form, they’re going to be wondering if the centrifugal force is going to make the baby’s head start crowning.”
1
Bryan (Neil Patrick Harris, pictured): You ever heard of the term ‘anger sex’?
Sue: The only kind I know.
2
”I’m gonna make it a habit to not stop and talk to students because this has been a colossal waste of my time.”
8
”You don’t deserve the power of Madonna…. Simply put, you have all the sexuality of all those pandas down at the zoo who refuse to mate.”
11
”I’m going to ask you to smell your armpits. That’s the smell of failure, and it’s stinking up my office.”
12
”That was the most offensive thing I’ve seen in 20 years of teaching — and that includes an elementary school production of Hair.”
13
Sue: ”Iron tablet? It keeps your strength up when you menstruate.”
Will: ”I don’t menstruate.”
Sue: ”Neither do I.”
15
”You think this was hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and being told they’re going in another direction. That was hard.”
16
”I’m all about empowerment. I empower my Cheerios to live in a state of constant fear by creating an environment of irrational, random terror.”
18
Will: ”I will destroy you.”
Sue: ”I am about to vomit down your back.” — Sue and Will, whispering into each other’s ear while forced to hug by Principal Figgins
20
”I don’t trust a man with curly hair. I can’t help picturing small birds laying sulfurous eggs in there, and I find it disgusting.”
22
”I am going to create an environment so toxic no one will want to be part of that club. Like the time I sold my house to a nice young couple and salted the earth in the backyard so that nothing could grow there for 100 years. Know why I did that? Because they tried to get me to pay their closing costs.”
24
”Look at me. Even in the heat of battle, I’m so elegant, regal. I am Ajax, mighty Greek warrior.”
25
”I, for one, think intimacy has no place in a marriage. Walked in on my parents once, and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling.”
27
”…I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark, cold night, I will steal away into your house…and punch you in the face.”
29
”[Wheelchair ramps] are what I call lazy-makers. They discourage able-bodied students from getting proper exercise by using the stairs.”
