'Dancing With the Stars' Season 12: A Sparkly Scouting Report!

I can't even pretend with this one. The supermodel always goes first. It's an American adage as old as time, like ''The customer is always right,'' or ''Why the half shirt, Dmitry? Really, why any shirt at all?'' The only way Petra might stick around is if enough voters get confused and think she's Edyta.

This isn't America's Next Top Hugger, you psycho.

Dude, you're gonna need to try a lot harder than THAT. But wearing ballroom shoes (unlike dad Master P in season 2) is an excellent first step. Please find more ways to make it seem like Chelsie is wearing a belly button party hat.

This one just isn't screaming ''Grace!'' to me. Grease, maybe. There will be grease.

This pose alone is a strong indication that Ms. Tre-BUN-skaya will have to work REALLY hard. White teeth and a wide stance will only take even the greatest fighter so far in our beloved Rectagon.

Ah, the full-body arm-wrestling promo pose. Are they happy, dueling, or happy to be dueling? Slightly intrigued DANCMSTRs across the nation will scoot to the edges of their heavily fringed sofas to find out.

He seems extremely comfortable in that studded bracelet and pink tie. An instant ballroom classic!

The talk show host could potentially be a sloppy mess, but check out Tony's ferocious Godzilla paws. She is his skyscraper in stilettos and he is ready to WIN.

Gorgeous legs, crazy inside-out arm angle, skin absorbs spray tan well... are we sure she's not a pro in disguise?

This is a pretty awesome lunge. And LOOK AT HIS HAIR. It's Kennedy-esque! And the silver sparkly tie! It's just all, inexplicably, WORKING.

Pairing ''America's most outrageous actress!'' with ''The bad boy of the ballroom'' was a smart move. Look at them. It's like they're fighting already. America loves drama, and dear Lord Mirrorballus, we are gonna need it with this cast.