'Dancing With the Stars': Best/Worst All-Stars Costumes

Our resident Dancing expert Annie Barrett said it best: ”Carrie Ann was all ‘It was all paso; we wanted to see the flamenco,’ and I was like, correction: Nobody wanted to see the flamenco, and we all wanted to see Val’s hidden gems…. It saddens me that the only ’10’ Kelly earned tonight was the gilded one on the post-coital towel she got to wear as a skirt. No skirt for you, Val. No hiding behind Kelly, either.”

Johnson continued her season-long downward spiral into revealing costumes during her Argentine tango performance in week 9. The former Olympic sprite wore a dress held up on one side by ”three strips of sparkles.” We get it Shawn, you’ve grown up (and filled out).

If I had to pinpoint the exact moment Psy’s infectious K-Pop single jumped the shark, this would be it. Still, the coordinated costumes — cheap wigs and tear-away tuxedos — worn by Cheryl, Emmitt, Kirstie, Maks, Kelly, Val, Peta, and Gilles were nothing short of pure genius.

Bare pecs? Check. Package-enhancing vertical striped pants? Check. A page boy wig and a thick layer of blush? Ch— Wait a second! If I had to guess, I’d say that Maks dipped into Kirstie’s makeup bag in an attempt to channel his inner David Bowie. Unfortunately, he came out looking more like a cross between Rock of Ages‘ Stacy Jaxx and Dora the Explorer.

Heavens to Murgatroyd, they finally put on some clothes! She usually dresses like an extra from Showgirls, while he looks like an oversexed parking garage attendant, but the Indian-inspired costumes Peta and Gilles chose for their spicy Bollywood number were a welcome departure from their usual aesthetic.

Remember when I said that Peta looked like an extra from Showgirls and Gilles like an oversexed parking garage attendant? They did it again (and again, and again). During the Latin Trio round, they dragged poor Chelsie Hightower into it.

This dramatic costume was the perfect choice for week 3, considering the frosty relations between Palin and pro partner Mark Ballas. With a neckline that plunged down-to-there, a skirt that was slit up-to-there, a smattering of sequins and a collar of snowy feathers, Bristol was equal parts Ice Queen and Ice Capades.

It may have been billed as a Big Top Jazz number, but Ohno wasn’t fooling anyone with that striped shirt and those white gloves. He’s dressed as a mime. Mimes inspire rage in even the most passive types. If I have the overwhelming urge to punch you in your painted face, what makes you think I’m going to pick up the phone to vote for you?

In honor of Veteran’s Day, Kirstie and Maks dressed in WWII-themed dance uniforms to pay homage to America’s servicemen and women. The couple’s demure ensembles were a nice break from skin-baring outfits we’re used to seeing in the Ballroom. As Annie Barrett’s mom put it, ”Personally I think Maks is better in a white t-shirt than he is bare-chested.”

This is what happens when animal prints attack. Attack your sense of good taste, that is. Smith managed to pull off head-to-toe Pepto Bismol pink and a sleeveless tuxedo shirt with arm garter, but even he couldn’t make this look work.