More to Love
Is there really more to love with those who have bigger…hearts? Fox’s reality show ran exactly like The Bachelor, but replaced the usual studs with a man who is over 300 pounds of lovin’, and typical size-two women with those flaunting ”real curves.” Naturally, cast plenty of women with self-esteem issues who felt the only way to overcome them was to — what else — air them on television.
A SHOT AT LOVE WITH TILA TEQUILA
Forget those icky twins, er, Ikki Twins who spawned their own series after the original, Myspace fame whore, Tila Tequila. This intoxicating show had the ”bisexual” host test her own sexual limits — and that of America’s — by making out, fondling, and unabashedly dry humping both boys and girls at the same time. Unfortunately, the show failed to catapult the young vixen into stardom and, from what we hear, she’s trying to revamp her career through Twitter. Here’s to you, Tequila. Take this much-needed shot. We’ll even throw in a lime.
Blind Date: Uncensored
When the granddaddy of all reality dating shows took it one step further by releasing the uncensored version on pay-per-view, the LOLs instantly turned into STFU moments. With the same awkwardness of blind dates caught on camera and snarky pop-up video comments running along the bottom of the screen, the show transformed itself from quirky to shameful.
WHO WANTS TO MARRY A MULTI-MILLIONAIRE?
The premise: Gold-diggers vie for the affection of a multimillionaire groom who they’ve never met. The result: Woman wins a marriage with a man who once was the subject of a restraining order because of charges that he physically threatened a previous girlfriend. Happily ever after, indeed.
An island that serves as host to a sexual fiesta was the basic premise of this show, which encouraged couples to venture out and put their love (making) to the test. Staying faithful to your significant other? Boring. —David Yi
The Entertainer of Love
Aside from having one of the more inane titles — we kind of expected some juggling — this VH1 show seemed to exist solely to prove that middle-aged losers could still find someone to sleep with.
FLAVOR OF LOVE
Crazy but true: Flavor Flav is a genius. The pint-sized rapper single-handedly changed VH1 from a channel of coma-inducing music programming (remember Rock & Roll Jeopardy?) to the ”It” network for anything and everything trash-tastic. The clock-obsessed, gold-grilled former hype man for Public Enemy started a legit thing by creatively naming all of his sex kittens — one of whom landed her own spin-off I Love New York that, in turn, spawned several more in (Real Chance of Love, Frank The Entertainer in a Basement Affair). It even introduced Oscar winner Jennifer Hudson to her future husband. —David Yi
I LOVE NY
With a synthetic weave full of dreams, the woman known as New York leapt from Flavor Flav’s reality TV universe into one of her own. What the wise-cracking, cackling diva lacked in the love/integrity department she gained in notoriety, cementing herself in reality television history as possibly the most hated yet watchable fiend in skankertainment.
FARMER WANTS A WIFE
The farmer takes a wife, the farmer takes a wife, heigh-ho, don’t make us watch any mo’, the farmer takes a wife.
BOY MEETS BOY
This show was just as confusing as the sexual orientation of each of the contestants: One man attempts to find love among 15 men who he thinks are all gay. He’s oblivious to the fact that some are indeed straight. If the man manages to choose a gay man in the end, he wins a paid vacation and some cash. Should he lose, he wins nothing except embarrassment, harassment, and possibly a new gaydar for Christmas. Imagine, people found this one offensive.
THE LITTLEST GROOM
Good things come in small packages. Bad things come when those little packages are exploited. Great things happen when it’s filmed on camera.
PLAYING IT STRAIGHT
Who’s gay, who’s straight, who in their right minds knows any more? In this show, a woman had to pick a man who might actually like her back. Of course, this man might actually be gay. What’s worse? Learning that the man of your dreams is gay, or being rejected by a totally straight guy because he’s just not into you?
It is apt that this Fox dating show forced suitors to wear masks at all times, because Lord knows I still want to hide my face for having watched it. While single gal Hayley dated dudes who looked like dopey rejects from Voldemort’s Death Eater army, I engaged in my own private shame spiral for actually sitting through a show hosted by Monica Lewinsky. —Dalton Ross
MARRIED BY AMERICA
A cross between American Idol and The Bachelor, the show had America vote for two people they thought were most compatible. And America is usually so right about stuff.
THE 5TH WHEEL
The math didn’t ever make it even, but the equation made sense: take two guys, two girls, then throw in a dark horse to stir things up. The producers didn’t know it at the time (2001), but they were tapping into our love for trashy reality before the genre even existed. Thank you, 5th Wheel! You paved a special path for all things spectacular, like Bret Michael’s Rock of Love.
This show had good intentions: Bring mommy along to help you pick the right girl. But in a quick and unsettling turn, it seemed like all too often the mothers were competing with the women for the affections of their own sons. One mom creepily went on about how her son was ”sexy, good looking, handsome, has great muscles, and great teeth.” That’s when we knew that the show was really about mothers who never wanted their boys to leave the nest.
You can take a Joe Shmoe out of Shmoe-ville but you can’t take the Shmoe-ville out of the Joe. That’s what happened on this awesomely disastrous show about a ”millionaire” construction worker looking for love. When it turned out that he was broke and, yipes, was actually a loser, we couldn’t help but feel for everyone involved. Though, not so much for the girl who fell for him.