12 Lies the 'Ninja Turtles' Told Us
1. You can eat pizza for every meal and still be athletic enough to defeat bad guys in hand-to-hand combat.
Then again, Teenage Obese Pre-Diabetic Turtles doesn't exactly have the same ring.
2. Those colored masks were a really effective disguise.
Especially when paired with kicky fedoras and khaki trench coats.
3. It's completely normal for a grown woman to spend all her time with a bunch of teenagers — as long as they're also giant mutant turtles.
Nothing to see here, folks!
4. You can act like a total jerk all the time, and everyone will still like you.
Raphael is cool but rude, which really just means he's a complete douche. And yet his brothers always put up with his crap! Gimme a break.
5. Ninjas use katanas.
Katanas are samurai swords. Ninjas are not samurai. Sorry for misappropriating your culture, Japan.
6. You know what's cool? Hanging out in a dark, dank sewer with a giant rat.
Head down a manhole in search of the turtles' totally tubular lair, and all you'll find is a nasty case of campylobacteriosis.
7. This is how journalists dress.
EW's offices are filled with hard-boiled reporters clad in cleavage-baring yellow jumpsuits and white go-go boots, just like April. It's the belt that we object to.
8. People eat turtle soup all the time.
The gang's enemies were constantly threatening to turn our heroes into turtle soup. But when's the last time you actually saw this dish on a normal restaurant's menu?
9. Anchovies taste disgusting.
Who else didn't eat Caesar salad for years — years! — because Michelangelo had convinced us that anchovies are gross? Anchovies are delicious! The truth shall set you free!
10. Shredder's voice is scary, not lovably gruff.
And yet the Turtles' main enemy was voiced by James Avery, who also played Uncle Phil on The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Mind = blown.
11. Brains have eyes, mouths, teeth, and tentacles.
Krang still gives us nightmares, you guys. Which leads us to...
12. If you met a six-foot tall naked turtle-man carrying ninja weapons, you should be delighted and not terrified.
That is all.