The Joan Rivers-Lisa Rinna smackdown transcript
You may have already heard that the TV Guide Channel booted trashy, unpredictable Joan and Melissa Rivers (pictured) as its red-carpet hosts and replaced them with the fabulously earnest Lisa Rinna. Which is kind of a pity, really. What you may not have heard (since it only happened in a dark, highly caffeinated corner of my brain) is what went down when the elder Rivers and Rinna bumped into each other in a Walgreens parking lot in West Hollywood.
Joan: Well if it isn’t Josie Bissett!
Lisa: For the last time, Joan, I’m Lisa Rinna.
Joan: Does it matter?
Lisa: I guess not, since no legitimate network would put you on live TV again anyway.
Joan: Oh, please! I’ve been a household name since your husband was wearing a loincloth in Conan the Barbarian. You think this little setback with the TV Guide Channel is going to stop me?
Lisa: It was Clash of the Titans, Joan. And you’ve got to admit the time was right for you to hang up your mic. I mean, you don’t even recognize half the celebrities you’re interviewing on the red carpet…
Joan: And who needs to? Whether it’s Gwyneth Paltrow or Julia Roberts, you’re gonna shove a mic under some snooty cow’s nose and ask, “Who are you wearing?”
Lisa: Juicy Couture tracksuit, Jimmy Choo shoes…
Joan: [Howls.] Oh, Christ!
addCredit(“Joan and Melissa Rivers: Kevork Djansezian/AP”)
Lisa: Laugh all you want, Joan. Red-carpet coverage is seriousbusiness. Audiences won’t settle for some pterodactyl in a knockoffgown, squawking non sequiturs.
Joan: That’s rich, coming from a woman who fought for the Dancing With the Stars trophy like it was a freakin’ Oscar!
Lisa: There’s no shame in being all you can be.
Joan: But there is shame in finishing fourth behind some wrestling chick and a washed-up member of 98 Degrees!
Lisa: You want to talk shame? How about that made-for-TV biopic where you and your daughter played yourselves?
Joan: I don’t remember that.
Lisa: Tears and Laughter: The Joan and Melissa Rivers Story?
Joan: Nope, not ringing a bell.
Lisa: Are you serious?
Joan: Honey, I’m not that good an actress.
Lisa: You’re telling me!
Joan:But you people are gonna miss me when I’m gone. I single-handedlybrought more fun and spontaneity to the red carpet a whole army ofsmarmy Ryan Goslings.
Lisa: I think you mean Seacrest.
Joan: Does it matter?
Lisa:No, Joan, actually, in this case, it doesn’t. And yeah, don’t tellanyone, but I’ll miss your ridiculous interview style, just a little.
Joan: So you’re saying you might try to keep my irreverent red-carpet spirit alive, after all?
Lisa: Not a chance.
Dancing With the Stars