By Amy Ryan
Updated August 27, 2006 at 12:00 PM EDT
Credit: NBC

Gary Susman is offering his “insights” on the TV Guide Channel’s Emmys pre-show with Joan and Melissa Rivers.

6:00 p.m. Just as you always suspected… Joan is really a man in drag, baby! Pretty funny sketch for a TV Guide Channel show that will include Joan’s 1,000th red-carpet interview.

6:03 p.m. Joan shows off the statuette that the unlucky 1,000th subject will win — a mini-version of Joan herself, painted gold. Plus, Joan says, it vibrates! (Oy, does she need a rimshot!)

6:13 p.m. First up is interview #982, Jennifer Love Hewitt. Like everyone else, Joan can’t stop staring at J. Love’s rack, but then, to be fair, that’s eye level for Joan.

6:16 p.m. In her first segment, Melissa tells the evening’s first John Mark Karr joke. Please, leave the funny to your mother.

6:26 p.m. Morgan Fairchild presses the button on Joan’s interview counter (she’s # 987), and the digital readout breaks. Bad omen?

6:29 p.m. On-screen factoid about Curb Your Enthusiasm‘s Cheryl Hines: ”Has a no-nudity clause in her contract.” Funny, so does Joan.

6:35 p.m. Joan’s first faux pas of the night: talking to Lisa Edelstein (House) and her mom, Joan calls the mom ”Lisa.” Mom says she wishes Lisa had become a lawyer. Oy vey.

addCredit(“Emmy Statue: NBC”)

6:38 p.m. The interview counter is fixed. Peter Krause is #990. If thesuspense were any more intense, I’d… well, I’d stop flipping back andforth to E!, for one thing.

6:42 p.m. Joan refers to Christopher Meloni’s show as Law & Order: CSI… IUD. He takes it in stride.

6:44 p.m. Ricky Gervais tells Melissa he’s nominated for ”best writerever… I’m up against Shakespeare and Dickens.” Melissa recommendsthat he bludgeon Steve Carell with his Emmy if he forgets to mentionRicky.

6:46 p.m. Howie Mandel tells Joan he credits her with giving him hisbig break when she guest-hosted The Tonight Show. So it’s her fault.

6:59 p.m. What have we leazrned from the long-awaited Joan-KathyGriffin summit meeting? ”I have butt-crack sweat. I’m not gonna lie,”says Kathy. Also, she plans to sleep with her date, a major in fulldress uniform who’s just back from Iraq. Uh, good to know.

7:05 p.m. Joan refers to Portia de Rossi’s show as Outstanding Development.

7:07 p.m. Heidi Klum and Seal are #998 and #999. If only Joan had interviewed their fetus, it could have been lucky #1,000.

7:11 p.m. It’s Debra Messing! ”I was so worried it was going to besomebody ugly,” says Joan. The Will & Grace star gets thestatuette of Joan, a sash, and a $10,000 check to deliver to thecharity of her choice. Messing says she’s honored, not to mentionrelieved that she won’t be going home empty-handed tonight.

7:18 p.m. Just so that Randy Jackson doesn’t feel slighted for being interview #1,001, Joan gives him a sash too.

7:31 p.m. Jeff Probst asks Joan’s permission to take off his tie. Joanname-drops Prince Charles and says, if he could do it at a dinnerparty, it’s OK for the Survivor host to loosen his collar as well. Butput it back on if you win, she says. Does this mean Joan will besnickering about Probst later? The fashion tribe has spoken!

7:41 p.m. Simon Cowell shows up, shirt opened to the navel. Afterseeing Virginia Madsen and Kim Raver’s gowns, I guess he didn’t want tobuck the trend.

7:43 p.m. Joan asks Mariska Hargitay whether her first or secondpregnancy was easier. Mariska gently tells Joan she’s had only onechild. It’s not much, but these are the Joan moments we live for.

7:52 p.m. Apparently, Barry Manilow’s career is also Joan’s fault.

7:59 p.m. Joan signs off with a dig at her employer, guessing that mostpeople watching her TV Guide Channel show were probably just lookingfor the Weather Channel. Now, that’s classy.