Emmy Awards
Credit: Emmy Statue: Cliff Lipson/CBS

7:55 p.m. Who needs a stinkin’ limo anyway?

I’m not sure what EW’s beloved The Shaw Report would have to say about this, but I’m just gonna go ahead and throw this out there, people:

IN Arriving at the Emmys by taxicab
FIVE MINUTES AGO Arriving at the Emmys by hybrid SUV
OUT Arriving at the Emmys by limo

Remember, when Catherine Zeta-Jones steps out of her big yellow taxi at next year’s Golden Globes, you heard it here first!

8:15 p.m. Waiting for Brad Garrett…

8:35 p.m. The blue man scares me.

8:43 p.m. Wanna be successful as long as William Shatner? Eat your Wheaties. The Boston Legal star, discussing his Emmy for Best Supporting Actor in a Drama Series, explained that the breakfast of champions, along with not drinking, not smoking, and “loving passionately,” are among his secrets for career longevity. Apparently, however, modesty doesn’t rank as high. Asked why men in Hollywood can get away with having a “natural physique” and still be considered sexy, Shatner grinned broadly and claimed ignorance, noting he’s got “washboard abs and tremendous thighs.” Jesse Metcalfe, watch your back!

9:09 p.m. Still no sign of Brad Garrett back here in the print and online press room. Is Billy Bush holding him captive in the Access Hollywood trailer?

9:16 p.m. Poor Jane Alexander! The winner for Best Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie for Warm Springs schleps backstage to talk to the press after her win, and half the reporters are so busy yakking into their cellphones and fighting over the buffet line it’s actually hard to hear her make a not-so-subtle dig at today’s political leaders. The former head of the National Endowment for the Arts says while she feels FDR and Eleanor Roosevelt were great leaders in a time of crisis, she’s “still waiting for the great leaders of today.” After that, who knows? The bad lady next to me started yakking about Heidi Klum. I kid you not.

9:27 p.m. Hugh Jackman says he won’t be playing James Bond. But he can swivel his hips really well because he’s got “really long legs.” Just in case you were wondering…

9:44 p.m. Tonight’s “Tell It Like It Is” Award goes to House creator David Shore. Discussing early critical reaction to his medical drama, which initially struggled in the ratings, he explains most critics wrote: “Great show. It’s going to die a horrible death on Fox.” Lucky for him, and for us, the network showed unusual patience, and now they’ve all got an Emmy to show for it.

9:49 p.m. Is Doris Roberts TV’s unsung sex symbol? “Just because you’re over 40 doesn’t mean you’re not hot or exciting or talented,” explains the Everybody Loves Raymond actress, who considers her fifth Emmy a blow against the ageism that exists in society today. And she’s ready to break down more barriers, too. In fact, if any network wants to launch a Desperate Grandmothers series, she knows who she’d like to play her sexy gardener: Sean Connery. Somebody page Marc Cherry — stat!

9:53 p.m. Brad Garrett, I will not be ignored.

10:05 p.m. Lost and Alias fanatics: You are being heard. J.J. Abrams, the man behind both series, says that while he and his writing teams take organic, evolving approaches to writing the series’ twisted, twisting story arcs, when he sees a consensus, positive or negative, emerging on fan websites, he takes them into account. “I listen to those people and I really respect them,” he says. So keep those message boards burning up, no matter how much your friends and family make fun of you, mmmkay?

10:18 p.m. S. Epatha Merkerson still hasn’t found her acceptance speech. But she says she can feel it somewhere halfway down her gown. Don’t say PopWatch doesn’t bring you news you can use, people.

10:19 p.m. Trend of the night: Sexy women of a certain age. “I think I’m cute when I’m glowing with a hot flash,” says the 52-year-old Merkerson. And adorable when she’s losing her speech in her cleavage, too, I might add. But, seriously, how did she manage that one? “Walking up the stairs, I kept thinking, ‘Aaaaaaagh!’ I had this cute little purse. I just thought [the speech] would be easier to find [tucked in my gown]. Every now and then I put a $20 in there.” Um, you know what? I’m not even trying to make a joke on that one.

10:30 p.m. Some woman from PBS just came backstage and I totally missed Felicity Huffman’s acceptance speech. God, I hate public broadcasting!

10:31 p.m. (Okay, okay. I didn’t really mean that. Sorry, Big Bird.)

10:33 p.m. I don’t think Brad Garrett is coming back here.

10:42 p.m. Art is not imitating life at the Emmys. “I was 99 percent sure I wouldn’t win,” says Patricia Arquette, who picked up the Best Actress in a Drama statuette for her role as psychic Allison Dubois on Medium. Of all the evening’s winners, Arquette also seems least eager to discuss her clothes, her hair, and her borrowed bling, particularly in light of the suffering of Hurricane Katrina victims, “the working poor who live paycheck to paycheck.” And, what’s that? Is somebody getting a little political as she discusses her work with a group that’s sent 46 trucks of supplies to Louisiana and Mississippi. “I know Trent Lott is going to get a new home, but a lot of people aren’t.” Ooh, suh-nap!

11:10 p.m. Strangest Use of Pauses by an Emmy Winner: “There does not seem to be much [that’s] more important than food…sleep…my children…and sex…with women.” Um, thanks, James Spader, you very peculiar man.

11:27 p.m. Tony Shalhoub says people like Monk because “he’s such an irritating character, such an annoying character. Everyone can relate to that.” What’s that, buddy? You talkin’ to me?

11:28 p.m. When the heck is Felicity Huffman supposed to get here?

11:38 p.m. I don’t know what the raucous cast of Lost is sipping now that they’ve made it backstage, but they definitely look like they’re having more fun than anybody else at this year’s Emmys. Asked what winning the Best Drama statue means to the show, Jorge Garcia (Hurley) shouts, “Man, the [first season] DVD is gonna go through the roof!” And when a British reporter mentions rumors that the cast likes to unwind by skinny-dipping, Daniel Dae Kim (Jin) explains, “What happens in Hawaii stays in Hawaii.” Alrighty then.

11:49 p.m. Wait a minute. The cast of Everybody Loves Raymond has made it to the press room — Brad Garrett included! — and they’re giving the Lost boys a run for their money. Peter Boyle says he was crushed about losing the Supporting Actor trophy to Garrett — until his show beat Desperate Housewives. “‘Cause we don’t like ’em,” chimes in Ray Romano. “They’re not desperate enough!” yells Boyle. “We’re desperate,” pipes up Sullivan Sweeten (or is that his twin brother Sawyer?), who played one of Romano’s sons on the show. Whoever it is — that kid’s pretty funny.

12:02 a.m. What better way to end the evening than with Felicity Huffman, giving the snappiest comeback of the night? Asked about’s assessment that she had little or no chance to take home the Best Actress in a Comedy Emmy, Huffman grins broadly, and gives a one-word reply: “Oops.”

I just wish all these reporters’ questions wouldn’t focus on whether or not Huffman’s win will prompt catfights on the Housewives set. I mean, c’mon, it’s 2005: Nobody would ask this question of a man. Of course, every actor and actress in Hollywood might be a little jealous if Huffman scores an Emmy-Oscar twofer; she’s been getting early Academy Award buzz for her role in the upcoming Transamerica. But Huffman, typically humble (she worried she’d misheard someone saying the award went to a “Schmelicity Guffman”), says she’s not letting herself think that far ahead. Instead, she plans to “superglue [the Emmy statue] to my body for the first month,” and then find a place for it in her home.

1:21 a.m. Well, it’s like 7 below in the press tent, I got BBQ sauce on my freshly laundered tuxedo jacket, and my bottom is numb from the world’s most uncomfortable chair. But hey, at least I didn’t have to endure 231 commercials for Two and a Half Men. So if you’ll all forgive me, I’m off to hail the evening’s hottest mode of transportation.


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