Thomas Middleditch, T.J. Miller, Kumail Nanjiani, Martin Starr, and Zach Woods take EW's Comic-Con-themed Pop Culture Personality Test
HBO comedy Silicon Valley will stage its first-ever panel at Comic-Con this year. In honor of the Pied Piper crew crashing the fan fest, EW asked the five guys — Thomas Middleditch, T.J. Miller, Kumail Nanjiani, Martin Starr, and Zach Woods — to submit themselves to our special Comic-Con themed questionnaire. The results will surprise amuse you.
1. Sell us on a plot for a Batman v LEGO Batman movie.
T.J. MILLER: Batman leisurely takes LEGO Batman apart. Roll credits.
ZACH WOODS: To be honest, I’d rather see Batman vs. American Girl Doll Batman. Just a higher-quality toy.
THOMAS MIDDLEDITCH: Batman, sad that he’s just a grown man in a costume, plays LEGO alone in his basement. No amount of coaxing from Alfred can get him to go outside and make friends. The LEGO people are his slaves and playthings. Very dark. The Babadook director Jennifer Kent is at the helm.
2. Which Star Wars character deserves a spin-off?
MIDDLEDITCH: Sol Starbeg, CPA. He does accounting on the Death Star but also covers up shady legal matters for the right amount of credits.
KUMAIL NANJIANI: Whichever walk-on part I can beg myself into for any of the next movies.
MARTIN STARR: Leia. Always choose Leia.
3. Facebook got its own movie. Which other social-networking site merits one most?
MILLER: Friendster. Where is it now? In some dark, terrible S&M vocation, I’m sure.
STARR: Snapchat is already a short-form porno-flick extravaganza.
NANJIANI: Twitter, cuz it would only be 140 seconds long, and then there would be a ton of “Reply Movies” telling it how it was wrong.
4. Season 6 of Game of Thrones recently ended. Which deceased character are you convinced isn’t actually dead?
STARR: Jon Snow. I mean, it’s Jonathan F—ing Snow! He’s alive, I tell you.
WOODS: Who cares? Tupac was just seen in Havana!
MIDDLEDITCH: Oberyn Martell, just because I’d like to see them squirm trying to justify a guy who got his head exploded coming back to try and have sex with everything.
5. Martin Starr has been cast in the new Spider-Man movie. If there were a Spider spat with these big-screen Spider-Mans — Tobey Maguire, Andrew Garfield, Tom Holland — who’d win?
MIDDLEDITCH: Is it not a good time to say I don’t like superheroes? Next.
NANJIANI: I think it would depend on the competition. Tobey would win at poker. Garfield wins “Best Hair.” But he would win that against any superhero or person in the world. Tom wins “Most Current.”
MILLER: Tobey Maguire. He was so cool playing poker in that one movie. And in Traffic.
6. What is the all-time best movie featuring an ominous computer?
MIDDLEDITCH: The Imitation Game. The utility bills alone, my heavens!
STARR: Nah. I like Johnny 5, if we’re talking about great robot/computer characters.
WOODS: Wall•E. His smug environmentalism is chilling.
7. Like it or not, there is going to be a Tetris movie. Which Tetris shape do you identify most with?
MILLER: The zigzag. Because you don’t know which it is, but you also do. That’s like me. You don’t know why, but you do.
WOODS: Any of them. I will contort myself into any unnatural shape in order to fit in
NANJIANI: I’m that useless four-block thing that looks like an s or a z. Cuz nobody is ever excited to see me either.
MIDDLEDITCH: Straight line. You need me. You yearn for me. But I never arrive.
NEXT: How would you like to see a character die in the next superhero movie?[pagebreak]
8. If your Silicon Valley character had a superpower, what would it be?
NANJIANI: If Dinesh could choose a superpower, it doesn’t matter what he would pick, cuz he’d only use it to try and get laid. And he would fail.
WOODS: A “Spidey sense” for finding sensibly priced teas.
STARR: Telepathy. And who’s to say he doesn’t already possess such a power? (Not you.)
9: The Suicide Squad comics feature villain names like Killer Croc, Slipknot, Multiplex, the Changing Man, Count Vertigo, and Clock King. If you were a notorious supervillain recruited by the government to execute a black-ops mission, what would your name be?
MILLER: JESTER’s EyE
MIDDLEDITCH: Charles or David Koch.
10. What’s the nerdiest pickup line you’ve ever heard?
STARR: What’s 1 + 1? Us!
NANJIANI: They must call you Hadouken, baby, because you are downright fierce. (You have to be a real nerd to get it. That’s how nerdy it is.)
WOODS: If we date, you can use my employee discount at Relax the Back. Maybe. I have to check with Ron, my manager. He can be a real piece.
11. How would you like to see a character die in the next superhero movie?
WOODS: Quietly, lying in bed with his wife after a life full of joy, disappointment, and compromise.
MILLER: From overlistening to Deepak Chopra.
NANJIANI: Just, like, drowning. Superheroes never drown. I guess this answer makes me sound like a psychopath.
12. Silicon Valley and The Big Bang Theory do a crossover episode. What is the story line?
STARR: Are you sure about that? I feel like I’d know about that if it were happening.
NANJIANI: We say “f—” and they freak out.
MIDDLEDITCH: There are so many girls on that show. Sex party.
MILLER: The Silicon Valley guys wonder why the actors from Big Bang Theory are in their world, and the Big Bang Theory crew is wondering why the guy from Yogi Bear 3-D and his friends are so high and in their world.
13. Harrison Ford broke his leg while filming The Force Awakens. What was the worst on-set injury you suffered while filming Silicon Valley?
MILLER: I hurt my hand slapping a kid and calling him a c—.
STARR: One time I watched Zach Woods spill an entire bowl of cereal WITH MILK all over the ground. And I mean, ALL OVER THE GROUND. It wasn’t pretty.
WOODS: A bruised ego. Ha-ha-ha, no, I’m just kidding. True answer: I broke my penis. It’s completely ruined.
14. Star Trek Beyond is in theaters this month. Which Silicon character would be the worst captain of the Enterprise?
NANJIANI: All of them would be terrible. Only Monica would be good. It should be Monica.
MIDDLEDITCH: Gavin Belson. He’d just beam down to planets, take opportunistic photos of him planting trees or something, then blow that sucker up.
WOODS: Guys. Tupac. Was SEEN. In HAVANA!