‘Twas the morning of Christmas, and in Tinseltown
The stars fêted the end of the yuletide countdown.
The bottles of Veuve sparkled, ready to pop
At the parties where A-listers that night would stop.
And as Santa looked over his annual list
(Checking twice, making sure no celeb he had missed),
He saw naughty and nice figures in equal measure,
Deciding who’d get coal that day, who’d get treasure.
Former lovers are naughty, according to past trends,
But you know who’s nice? All of Ariana’s ex-boyfriends.
On the flip side, when looking straight into their souls,
On the naughty list are all of Grande’s mean trolls.
That Tiffany Haddish — she had quite a year!
Now she makes the nice list, for spreading so much cheer.
But a new naughty-lister was made when Tiff did say
That someone in Hollywood bit Queen Beyoncé.
Now Bradley’s directing, and there’s nothing better
Than Cooper’s old-school melodrama love letter.
But the naughtiest Hollywood people we saw?
Those 99 morons who doubted Gaga!
So as this year finally winds to an end,
We look back on who messed up, whom to commend.
Taking pains to miss no one and to be precise,
Here’s the list of who was naughty and who was nice!
- Ariana Grande’s ex-boyfriends
- Tiffany Haddish
- Bradley Cooper
- All of Old Donna’s former lovers in Mamma Mia 2
- Nicole Kidman on Instagram
- The new Fab Five
- The Canadian ice dancers in the Olympics
- The ladies of Book Club
- The angels and saints who attended the Met Gala
- Whoever at NBC brought back Brooklyn Nine-Nine
- Celebrities who voted!
- Those who have BDE
- Oprah, as always
- All former members of Fifth Harmony
- All the boys I’ve loved before
- Mister Rogers
- Ariana Grande’s trolls
- Whoever bit Beyoncé
- The 99 people in a room who did not believe in Lady Gaga
- All of Young Donna’s summer flings in Mamma Mia 2
- Kanye on Twitter
- The old Roseanne
- Everyone who has forgotten about the Olympics
- Also those ladies of Book Club!
- Also Venom!!!
- The eight con-artist women who burgled the Met Gala
- Whoever at Fox canceled Brooklyn Nine-Nine
- Celebrities who gloated
- Those who judge BDE
- Deadpool, as always
- Everyone who tried to provoke former members of Fifth Harmony into public displays of cattiness
- All the reboots I’ve seen before