Highlights From the 50 Juiciest Celeb Memoirs of All Time

When she was dating Paul Simon, the singer once overheard her mother tell her father: “Midgets! That’s what they’ll have. They’ll have midgets.”

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The actor on his dalliance with the very bossy Hedy Lamarr: “If only she’d shut up and stopped giving orders, the ordeal might have been consummated.”

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The actor does omit some incidents from his memoir, but he’s quite forthcoming about his infamous sex-tape scandal: “Sometimes being a trailblazer is overrated. If the Kim Kardashians and Colin Farrells and all the like had let their video oeuvre out into the zeitgeist before me, mine may have been met with a mere titillated shrug.”

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When Short was at a party at with both Mike Nichols and Warren Beatty, “Warren said, ‘I met Eleanor Roosevelt.’ Mike called out, ‘Did you f— her?'”

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The actress remembers her decades-long affair with Spencer Tracy: “We did what he liked. We lived a life which he liked. I struggled to change all the qualities I felt he didn’t like. Some of them which I thought were my best I thought he found irksome. I removed them, squelched them as far as I was able…”

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The actress’ kiss-off line to Jeff Chandler — who had a penchant for cross-dressing — was epic: “Jeff, you’re too big for polka dots.”

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Joan Crawford’s daughter remembers her allegedly abusive mother: “From her throne in the eye of the hurricane, brandishing her wand of obsession, rules the queen of chaos herself: Mommie Dearest.”

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“On television, people talked about having happy lives, but in the world in which I grew up, happiness was a moment rather than a state of being…. It never stayed long enough for you to get to know it good. Just a taste here and there. A kiss, a sniff, a stroke, a snort.”

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The beloved actress looked back fondly on her fling with Harrison Ford during the filming of Star Wars: “My affair with Harrison was a very long one-night stand.”

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The Real Housewife dishes on her husband’s then-affair with LeAnn Rimes on the set of Northern Lights: “LeAnn had ‘accidentally’ smeared some cake frosting on her top…[She] asked my husband, not realizing that I was standing behind the both of them, if he wanted lick it off her….This woman asked my husband if he wanted to eat the frosting mess she’d dropped on her nonexistent chest? … He hadn’t realized I was there, either, and he laughed with hungry eyes at the suggestion.”

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The actress famously describes being seduced by Humphrey Bogart on the set of To Have and Have Not: “About three weeks into the picture, I was sitting in the dressing room at the end of the day, combing my hair. Bogie came in to bid me good night. He was standing behind me, and we were joking as usual, when suddenly he leaned over, put his hand under my chin, and kissed me. It was impulsive. He took a worn pack of matches out of his pocket and asked me to put my phone number on the back. I did.”

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The actor on his sexuality: “In my personal life, I was quite a different Boy Next Door that the one that Mr. and Mrs. Middle America — and their fan-club daughter — imagined me to be.”

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The actress spoke frankly about her mother’s alcoholism: “It would probably have been easier for me to admit to her disease if I was ever physically abused. My particular abuse was much more subtle and created a longer-lasting impact. Because every time Mom drank, she left me. … I felt abandoned by her when she drank, but as long as I wasn’t hurt and she was accounted for and alive, I could justify that everything was all right.”

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Working with Debra Winger on the Terms of Endearment set was not easy. “Hey, Mom, get over here. These [placement marks] are yours.”…. ‘I heard you,’ I said. ‘I know marks when I see them.’ ‘Good,” [Winger] said. ‘How’s this for a mark?’ She turned around, walked away from me, lifted her skirt slightly, looked over her shoulder, bent over, and farted in my face.”

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The actress was contracted to write a memoir but after hours of conversation with her ghostwriter, changed her mind; this book is drawn from those tapes. On the time she nearly killed Howard Hughes: “I hit him with an ashtray. I think it was onyx. Anyway, it was heavy…. Louis Mayer nearly had kittens when he heard about it. He was convinced I’d killed the guy.”

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In her essay collection, the actress remembers her rape: “I also know that at no moment did I consent to being handled that way. I never gave him permission to be rough, to stick himself inside me without a barrier between us. I never gave him permission. In my deepest self I know this, and the knowledge of it has kept me from sinking.”

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The TV host and actor on losing his virginity at age 12: “What happened next was mostly a blur. I remember a lot of kissing and touching, but past that, I was clueless. I knew nothing about a woman’s body. All I could do was try desperately to piece together the fragmented and unreliable information that I’d heard from my older cousins.”

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Two and a Half Men co-star Charlie Sheen told him that his fits of anger were induced by testosterone cream. “Three times a day you rub the cream on your thighs, and it’s deceptive, because you feel the same, but suddenly you’re flying into a rage.”

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In her memoir, the actress claimed that her friend Melanie Griffith, then 18, “dragged me into an opium-fueled orgy” when she was 12.

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When she attended the LA premiere of New York Minute, a Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen film, in May 2004, she writes, “I knew I couldn’t last a New York minute without doing more meth. I had it in my purse, with a straw, in a little baggie inside a lip-gloss container. Often I would do meth quickly in public bathrooms, blowing the smoke into wet paper towels so you couldn’t see it. At the premiere, though, I just snorted it because I knew I couldn’t bring a whole pipe.”

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The actress was not happy with former partner Woody Allen: “You’re not supposed to f— the kids!”

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On the possessiveness of Sidney Poitier, with whom she had a long affair: “Sidney called me at my hotel . . . ‘You b—-, whore, tramp,’ he yelled. ‘I know he just left your bed. I won’t have you running around with other men. You belong to me!'”

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The actress wrote that Johnny Depp once asked to feel her at-the-time lactating breasts at a party, and that she replied, “Yeah, do whatever you want.”

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The actor is frank about colleagues like Charlton Heston: “It was as if he had appointed himself the forever Numero Uno on the call sheet of life.”

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The longtime Hollywood pimp hardly held back, describing one actor who “liked what is commonly known as ‘water sports’ or  a ‘golden shower’ … On an even more provocative level, [he] occasionally enjoyed it when his sexual partners — especially young ladies — ‘dropped a deuce’ or defecated on him.”

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The actress and singer recalls actor Paul Sorvino, whom she worked with on the doomed production of The Baker’s Wife: “On the first day before he was officially introduced to us, whenever a new cast member would enter the rehearsal room, he would hit a high C. It was like having Howdy Doody at Auschwitz.”

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The singer remembers her abusive husband Ike: “[He] grabbed one of those shoe stretchers and started beating me with it… And that was the beginning, the beginning of Ike instilling fear in me. He kept control of me with fear. Why didn’t I leave him? It’s easy to say now I should’ve.”

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The Partridge Family mom was definitely not as square as you might think: “We were all in the pool when Jack said, ‘Hey, let’s all take off our clothes, go inside, and have a foursome!'”

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The comedian and actress remembers an incident on the SNL set where Amy Poehler was goofing around: “Jimmy Fallon, who was arguably the star of the show at the time, turned to her and in a faux-squeamish voice said: ‘Stop that! It’s not cute! I don’t like it.’ Amy dropped what she was doing, went black in the eyes for a second, and wheeled around on him. ‘I don’t fucking care if you like it.’ Jimmy was visibly startled.”

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The Hollywood producer called Goldie Hawn “borderline dirty, with stringy hair,” David Geffen the “Donald Trump of show business,” and agent Michael Ovitz “the Valley viper.”

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Elvis’ wife describes their version of a sex tape: “It was the era of the Polaroid… He was the director and I was the star acting out fantasies.”

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In her Scientology memoir, the actress has more than a few choice Tom Cruise anecdotes: When Tom Cruise’s longtime assistant resigned, “someone decided that she had done something wrong, and she had to undergo a sec-check* that she says cost her so much that she lost her house. Instead of viewing this…. as cruel injustice, she felt a huge sense of accomplishment when she finished her sec-check. She took pride in the fact that she left Tom in good standing with the church.”

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The actress says she was being romanced by Warren Beatty at a party in 1975 when “I saw Warren’s eyes attach themselves to something in the distance. I turned around and saw in the next room, the dining room, Dolly Parton, quietly sitting at the table, alone, scribbling on a pad. In an instant, I could feel myself dropped as this new yummy dish was making Warren’s mouth water.”

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The legendary journalist describes behind-the-scenes machinations at The View: “The premise of The View is that of a team working together, but for Rosie it was more like Diana Ross and the Supremes, as little by little she took over.”

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The actress looks back at her marriage to Roger Vadim: “Then one night he brought home a beautiful red-haired woman and took her into our bed with me. She was a high-class call girl employed by the well-known Madame Claude. It never occurred to me to object. I took my cues from him and threw myself into the threesome with the skill and enthusiasm of the actress that I am. If this was what he wanted, this was what I would give him — in spades.”

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The Rolling Stones legend remembers falling in lust with Anita Pallenberg on an epic road trip to Morocco: “In the back of the Bentley, somewhere between Barcelona and Valencia, Anita and I looked at each other, and the tension was so high in the back seat, next thing I know she’s giving me a blow job… For a week or so it’s boinky, boinky, boinky, down in the Kasbah.”

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The actor discusses what he called the pervasive problem of pedophilia in Hollywood: “I stood up and said there is a bigger problem, that I’d lost Corey [Haim] and that I didn’t want to see any more kids lost to these sick perverts.”

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When filmmaker John McTiernan told Baldwin that Paramount was negotiating with Harrison Ford to replace him as Jack Ryan in the Red October movies, “John told me he spoke with Ford and asked him if he was aware that Paramount was in an active negotiation with me. Ford’s reply, according to John, was ‘F— him.’”

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In her transition memoir, Jenner says she was upfront with Kris about everything when they met. “All I know is I told her there had been a woman inside me all my life. I told her I dressed as a woman, and I did it several times in front of her. I also told her I had been in hormone therapy. It was obvious that the hormones had caused something — two somethings. To me they were breasts, size 36B. To Kris they were man boobs caused by my being out of shape.”

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The actress reveals she had split personalities. “No one in LA had any idea that I had completely split from myself and become another entity inside called Celestia. No one could tell from the way I walked or talked that I was from the fourth dimension. And certainly no one had any idea that I was getting messages from my planet every day.”

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With dish on Kelly Clarkson, Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, Kenny G, Bob Dylan, Janis Joplin, Simon & Garfunkel, and Britney Spears, it’s hard to pick single anecdote from the music mogul’s memoir — but this one from Janis Joplin will do. “You know what Janis would really like to do?” her manager asked. “She thinks it would be only fitting and proper that she ball you to cement the deal. That would be her way of showing this is a more meaningful relationship.” (Davis respectfully declined.)

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