I'm not here to make friends
Credit: Gabe Ginsberg/Getty Images; Karwai Tang/WireImage; Jimi Celeste/Patrick McMullan via Getty Images

Sept. 1 is that crisp, cool date when Muggles across the world are hit with the sobering realization that they will not be receiving a Hogwarts letter, a new year of wizard tutelage will commence without them, and that magic, unlike the crippling anxiety that plagues us every moment, is not real.

But who needs Hogwarts when we have a perfectly magical world right here in our own zeitgeist? Celebrities of the modern era can be more than just headlines you can't avoid in your daily life. They can be your classmates if you only just imagine. I don't fancy myself much of a Sorting Hat (I'm more of a Sorting Sweatpant or Chunky Knit) but anything is possible if you believe.

Look, there's little first-year Martin Scorsese getting pummeled for galleons in the courtyard by super sixth-year John Cena. There go Hufflepuff's proud Gyllenhaal siblings, trying in vain once more to convince the Hogwarts theater program to do something other than The Wiz. And who can forget house ghost Jonah Hill, haunting the girls of Fifth Harmony as they stalk prefect Zac Efron through the restricted section?

See? It's easy. For your imaginative leisure and fan-fic pleasure, here are 150 more—yes, more, because I stupidly did this before to genuinely disastrous results—celebrities painstakingly sorted into Hogwarts houses. Happy Back to Hogwarts Day! Also, Trump is a squib.


The octopus from Finding Dory

Daisy Duck

JoJo [singer, "Leave (Get Out)"]

The cast of You're the Worst

Three of the members of Fifth Harmony but TBD which

Fred from Scooby-Doo


Making a Murderer lawyer Dean Strang

The dog-clock from The Phantom Tollbooth

Audra McDonald's record-setting six Tonys

Strega Nona

Bashful from Snow White

Character actress Jane Krakowski


Joyce DeWitt

Barb from Stranger Things

Orlando Bloom's paddleboard

Tim Cook

Kiki from Kiki's Delivery Service

Young Arthur Miller


The Gingerbread Man cookie from Shrek


Amelia Bedelia


Jon & Tina from S Club 7

Poot Lovato

That sloth that hugged the pole on the highway



Additional contributions by Jessica Goodman, Madeline Boardman, and Christopher Rosen, whose sorting assistance was reflected to varying degree.