Harry Potter: 150 more celebrities sorted into Hogwarts houses
I'm not here to make friends
It’s that time of year again. Sept. 1, that crisp, cool date when muggles across the world remember the sobering realization that a Hogwarts letter is not coming for them, a new year of wizard tutelage will commence without them, and that magic, unlike the crippling anxiety that plagues us every moment, is not real.
But who needs Hogwarts when we have a perfectly magical world right here in our own zeitgeist? The celebrities of the modern era can be more than just headlines you can’t avoid in your daily life. They can be your classmates, if you only just imagine. I don’t fancy myself much of a Sorting Hat (I’m more of a Sorting Sweatpant or Chunky Knit) but anything is possible if you believe.
Look, there’s little first-year Martin Scorsese getting pummeled for galleons in the courtyard by super sixth-year John Cena. There go Hufflepuff’s proud Gyllenhaal siblings, trying in vain once more to convince the Hogwarts theatre program to do something other than The Wiz. And who can forget house ghost Jonah Hill, haunting the girls of Fifth Harmony as they stalk prefect Zac Efron through the restricted section?
See? It’s easy. For your imaginative leisure and fan-fic pleasure, here are 150 more — yes, more, because I stupidly did this before to genuinely disastrous results — celebrities painstakingly sorted into Hogwarts houses. Happy Back to Hogwarts Day! Also Trump is a squib.
The octopus from Finding Dory
Jared Leto’s Joker
Jojo [singer, “Get Out (Leave)”]
The Bachelor host Chris Harrison
Chloe Grace Moretz
Leslie Odom Jr.
The Giving Tree
The cast of You’re the Worst
Three of the members of Fifth Harmony but TBD which
Fred from Scooby Doo
Taraji P. Henson
Making a Murderer lawyer Dean Strang
The dog-clock from The Phantom Tollbooth
Audra McDonald’s record-setting six Tonys
Tracee Ellis Ross
Bashful from Snow White
Chance the Rapper
Character actress Jane Krakowski
Barb from Stranger Things
Orlando Bloom’s paddleboard
Kiki from Kiki’s Delivery Service
Young Arthur Miller
Bryce Dallas Howard
Millie Bobby Brown
The Gingerbread Man cookie from Shrek
Matthews Goode & Rhys
Carly Rae Jepsen
Glee star Kate Hudson
Jon & Tina from S Club 7
That sloth that hugged the pole on the highway
Additional contributions by Jessica Goodman, Madeline Boardman, and Christopher Rosen, whose sorting assistance was reflected to varying degree.