I'm not here to make friends

By Marc Snetiker
Updated September 01, 2016 at 08:00 PM EDT
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Credit: Gabe Ginsberg/Getty Images; Karwai Tang/WireImage; Jimi Celeste/Patrick McMullan via Getty Images

It’s that time of year again. Sept. 1, that crisp, cool date when muggles across the world remember the sobering realization that a Hogwarts letter is not coming for them, a new year of wizard tutelage will commence without them, and that magic, unlike the crippling anxiety that plagues us every moment, is not real.

But who needs Hogwarts when we have a perfectly magical world right here in our own zeitgeist? The celebrities of the modern era can be more than just headlines you can’t avoid in your daily life. They can be your classmates, if you only just imagine. I don’t fancy myself much of a Sorting Hat (I’m more of a Sorting Sweatpant or Chunky Knit) but anything is possible if you believe.

Look, there’s little first-year Martin Scorsese getting pummeled for galleons in the courtyard by super sixth-year John Cena. There go Hufflepuff’s proud Gyllenhaal siblings, trying in vain once more to convince the Hogwarts theatre program to do something other than The Wiz. And who can forget house ghost Jonah Hill, haunting the girls of Fifth Harmony as they stalk prefect Zac Efron through the restricted section?

See? It’s easy. For your imaginative leisure and fan-fic pleasure, here are 150 more — yes, more, because I stupidly did this before to genuinely disastrous results — celebrities painstakingly sorted into Hogwarts houses. Happy Back to Hogwarts Day! Also Trump is a squib.

SLYTHERIN

Harrison Ford

Chrissy Teigen

The octopus from Finding Dory

Rihanna

Kirstie Alley

George Lucas

Valerie Cherish

Billy Eichner

Miriam Shor

Jared Leto

Jared Leto’s Joker

Meghan Trainor

Daisy Duck

Emma Roberts

Brendan Fraser

Jojo [singer, “Get Out (Leave)”]

The Bachelor host Chris Harrison

Chloe Grace Moretz

Selena Gomez

Amber Rose

Miles Teller

Leslie Odom Jr.

Aaron Burr

Bill Murray

Johnny Depp

The Giving Tree

Henry Cavill

The cast of You’re the Worst

Rita Ora

Rebel Wilson

Derek Hough

Bobby Cannavale

Three of the members of Fifth Harmony but TBD which

Tituss Burgess

Jamie Dornan

Lance Bass

Kim Kardashian

Fred from Scooby Doo

Scott Eastwood

Pizza Rat?

GRYFFINDOR

Taraji P. Henson

Making a Murderer lawyer Dean Strang

Melissa Benoist

Maisie Williams

Idris Elba

Jeffrey Tambor

Malala

The dog-clock from The Phantom Tollbooth

Amy Schumer

Audra McDonald

Audra McDonald’s record-setting six Tonys

Priyanka Chopra

Simone Biles

Constance Wu

America Ferrera

BEYONCE

Tracee Ellis Ross

Kate Middleton

Strega Nona

J.K. Simmons

Hodor

Bill Hader

John Boyega

Keri Russell

Alicia Keys

Ronda Rousey

Cher

Nick Offerman

Margo Martindale

Bashful from Snow White

Margot Robbie

Kate McKinnon

Daveed Diggs

Gal Gadot

Oscar Isaac

Chance the Rapper

Justin Trudeau

Character actress Jane Krakowski

RAVENCLAW

Rooney Mara

Jussie Smollett

Joyce DeWitt

Benedict Cumberbatch

Sarah Paulson

Barb from Stranger Things

Amal Clooney

Uzo Aduba

Abbi Jacobson

Lin-Manuel Miranda

Ryan Gosling

Bob Ross

Orlando Bloom’s paddleboard

Daisy Ridley

Tim Cook

Charlize Theron

Lena Dunham

Kendrick Lamar

Mayim Bialik

Kristen Wiig

Kirsten Dunst

Kiki from Kiki’s Delivery Service

Alicia Vikander

Alexis Bledel

Sutton Foster

Rachel Bloom

Young Arthur Miller

Zendaya

Rami Malek

Samantha Bee

Andy Samberg

Bryce Dallas Howard

Samira Wiley

Minnie Driver

Millie Bobby Brown

Eddie Redmayne

Stephen Sondheim

HUFFLEPUFF

Tim Kaine

James Corden

Britney Spears

The Gingerbread Man cookie from Shrek

Chris Pratt

The Rock

Sam Claflin

Matthews Goode & Rhys

Carly Rae Jepsen

Harambe

Drake

Ilana Glazer

Kristen Bell

Gina Rodriguez

Amelia Bedelia

BB-8

John Cho

Ellie Kemper

Megan Hilty

Steven Universe

Glee star Kate Hudson

Prince Harry

Mark Ruffalo

Kourtney Kardashian

Amy Adams

Jon & Tina from S Club 7

Poot Lovato

Chiwetel Ejiofor

Michael Fassbender

Justin Timberlake

Alejandro Innaritu

Hailee Steinfeld

That sloth that hugged the pole on the highway

Gaten Matarazzo

HEADMISTRESS

Leslie Jones

EXPELLED

Taylor Swift

Additional contributions by Jessica Goodman, Madeline Boardman, and Christopher Rosen, whose sorting assistance was reflected to varying degree.

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