Harry Potter: 150 more celebrities sorted into Hogwarts houses
I'm not here to make friends
It’s that time of year again. Sept. 1, that crisp, cool date when muggles across the world remember the sobering realization that a Hogwarts letter is not coming for them, a new year of wizard tutelage will commence without them, and that magic, unlike the crippling anxiety that plagues us every moment, is not real.
But who needs Hogwarts when we have a perfectly magical world right here in our own zeitgeist? The celebrities of the modern era can be more than just headlines you can’t avoid in your daily life. They can be your classmates, if you only just imagine. I don’t fancy myself much of a Sorting Hat (I’m more of a Sorting Sweatpant or Chunky Knit) but anything is possible if you believe.
Look, there’s little first-year Martin Scorsese getting pummeled for galleons in the courtyard by super sixth-year John Cena. There go Hufflepuff’s proud Gyllenhaal siblings, trying in vain once more to convince the Hogwarts theatre program to do something other than The Wiz. And who can forget house ghost Jonah Hill, haunting the girls of Fifth Harmony as they stalk prefect Zac Efron through the restricted section?
See? It’s easy. For your imaginative leisure and fan-fic pleasure, here are 150 more — yes, more, because I stupidly did this before to genuinely disastrous results — celebrities painstakingly sorted into Hogwarts houses. Happy Back to Hogwarts Day! Also Trump is a squib.
SLYTHERIN
Harrison Ford
Chrissy Teigen
The octopus from Finding Dory
Rihanna
Kirstie Alley
George Lucas
Valerie Cherish
Billy Eichner
Miriam Shor
Jared Leto
Jared Leto’s Joker
Meghan Trainor
Daisy Duck
Emma Roberts
Brendan Fraser
Jojo [singer, “Get Out (Leave)”]
The Bachelor host Chris Harrison
Chloe Grace Moretz
Selena Gomez
Amber Rose
Miles Teller
Leslie Odom Jr.
Aaron Burr
Bill Murray
Johnny Depp
The Giving Tree
Henry Cavill
The cast of You’re the Worst
Rita Ora
Rebel Wilson
Derek Hough
Bobby Cannavale
Three of the members of Fifth Harmony but TBD which
Tituss Burgess
Jamie Dornan
Lance Bass
Kim Kardashian
Fred from Scooby Doo
Scott Eastwood
Pizza Rat?
GRYFFINDOR
Taraji P. Henson
Making a Murderer lawyer Dean Strang
Melissa Benoist
Maisie Williams
Idris Elba
Jeffrey Tambor
Malala
The dog-clock from The Phantom Tollbooth
Amy Schumer
Audra McDonald
Audra McDonald’s record-setting six Tonys
Priyanka Chopra
Simone Biles
Constance Wu
America Ferrera
BEYONCE
Tracee Ellis Ross
Kate Middleton
Strega Nona
J.K. Simmons
Hodor
Bill Hader
John Boyega
Keri Russell
Alicia Keys
Ronda Rousey
Cher
Nick Offerman
Margo Martindale
Bashful from Snow White
Margot Robbie
Kate McKinnon
Daveed Diggs
Gal Gadot
Oscar Isaac
Chance the Rapper
Justin Trudeau
Character actress Jane Krakowski
RAVENCLAW
Rooney Mara
Jussie Smollett
Joyce DeWitt
Benedict Cumberbatch
Sarah Paulson
Barb from Stranger Things
Amal Clooney
Uzo Aduba
Abbi Jacobson
Lin-Manuel Miranda
Ryan Gosling
Bob Ross
Orlando Bloom’s paddleboard
Daisy Ridley
Tim Cook
Charlize Theron
Lena Dunham
Kendrick Lamar
Mayim Bialik
Kristen Wiig
Kirsten Dunst
Kiki from Kiki’s Delivery Service
Alicia Vikander
Alexis Bledel
Sutton Foster
Rachel Bloom
Young Arthur Miller
Zendaya
Rami Malek
Samantha Bee
Andy Samberg
Bryce Dallas Howard
Samira Wiley
Minnie Driver
Millie Bobby Brown
Eddie Redmayne
Stephen Sondheim
HUFFLEPUFF
Tim Kaine
James Corden
Britney Spears
The Gingerbread Man cookie from Shrek
Chris Pratt
The Rock
Sam Claflin
Matthews Goode & Rhys
Carly Rae Jepsen
Harambe
Drake
Ilana Glazer
Kristen Bell
Gina Rodriguez
Amelia Bedelia
BB-8
John Cho
Ellie Kemper
Megan Hilty
Steven Universe
Glee star Kate Hudson
Prince Harry
Mark Ruffalo
Kourtney Kardashian
Amy Adams
Jon & Tina from S Club 7
Poot Lovato
Chiwetel Ejiofor
Michael Fassbender
Justin Timberlake
Alejandro Innaritu
Hailee Steinfeld
That sloth that hugged the pole on the highway
Gaten Matarazzo
HEADMISTRESS
Leslie Jones
EXPELLED
Taylor Swift
Additional contributions by Jessica Goodman, Madeline Boardman, and Christopher Rosen, whose sorting assistance was reflected to varying degree.
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