Harry Potter: 150 more celebrities sorted into Hogwarts houses
Sept. 1 is that crisp, cool date when Muggles across the world are hit with the sobering realization that they will not be receiving a Hogwarts letter, a new year of wizard tutelage will commence without them, and that magic, unlike the crippling anxiety that plagues us every moment, is not real.
But who needs Hogwarts when we have a perfectly magical world right here in our own zeitgeist? The celebrities of the modern era can be more than just headlines you can't avoid in your daily life. They can be your classmates, if you only just imagine. I don't fancy myself much of a Sorting Hat (I'm more of a Sorting Sweatpant or Chunky Knit) but anything is possible if you believe.
Look, there's little first-year Martin Scorsese getting pummeled for galleons in the courtyard by super sixth-year John Cena. There go Hufflepuff's proud Gyllenhaal siblings, trying in vain once more to convince the Hogwarts theater program to do something other than The Wiz. And who can forget house ghost Jonah Hill, haunting the girls of Fifth Harmony as they stalk prefect Zac Efron through the restricted section?
See? It's easy. For your imaginative leisure and fan-fic pleasure, here are 150 more — yes, more, because I stupidly did this before to genuinely disastrous results — celebrities painstakingly sorted into Hogwarts houses. Happy Back to Hogwarts Day! Also, Trump is a squib.
SLYTHERIN
The octopus from Finding Dory
Daisy Duck
JoJo [singer, "Leave (Get Out)"]
The cast of You're the Worst
Three of the members of Fifth Harmony but TBD which
Fred from Scooby-Doo
GRYFFINDOR
Making a Murderer lawyer Dean Strang
The dog-clock from The Phantom Tollbooth
Audra McDonald's record-setting six Tonys
Strega Nona
Bashful from Snow White
Character actress Jane Krakowski
RAVENCLAW
Joyce DeWitt
Barb from Stranger Things
Orlando Bloom's paddleboard
Tim Cook
Kiki from Kiki's Delivery Service
Young Arthur Miller
HUFFLEPUFF
The Gingerbread Man cookie from Shrek
Harambe
Amelia Bedelia
BB-8
Glee star Kate Hudson
Jon & Tina from S Club 7
Poot Lovato
That sloth that hugged the pole on the highway
HEADMISTRESS
EXPELLED
Additional contributions by Jessica Goodman, Madeline Boardman, and Christopher Rosen, whose sorting assistance was reflected to varying degree.
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