The Comedy Central special was supposed to make fun of Lowe -- until Ann Coulter joined the dais

By Lynette Rice
August 27, 2016 at 12:00 PM EDT
Art Streiber/Comedy Central

It was supposed to be a Comedy Central roast of Rob Lowe — but that was before everyone found out that Ann Coulter was joining the dais Saturday. As a result, most of the night’s best jokes were directed at the conservative commentator, not the 52-year-old man-of-honor who looked rather neglected in his center stage chair.

Even Coulter couldn’t help but call out the irony during the pre-taped event that’ll air on Labor Day: “I want to welcome everybody to the Ann Coulter roast with Rob Lowe.”

Held on the Sony lot outside of Hollywood Saturday, the Lowe roast featured first-time participants like Peyton Manning, Jewel, Nikki Glaser, and Ralph Macchio, who (predictably) made fun of Lowe’s old sex tape and his myriad TV failures. But everyone — Jeffrey Ross, Pete Davidson, British comedian Jimmy Carr, Rob Riggle and roastmaster David Spade, included — saved their most viciously funny material for Coulter, who actually bombed when she finally took the mic (just to flash her latest book). Not that it mattered, really; she already got the spotlight.

“Everyone is asking, why is Ann Coulter here tonight?” said Lowe, who closed out his own special with a incredible set of killer yuks. “Because the right-to-lifers wanted everyone to see what abortion looks like up close.”

Oh, there were lots more Coulter cutdowns. Here are some of the best Coulter jokes — and 13 about everybody else (even Lowe himself).

  • “Ann has never had kids. She is so anti-immigration, her vagina won’t allow anymore in the country.” — Rob Lowe
  • “How do I roast someone from hell? Ann, you are the only woman ever to sexually harass Roger Ailes.” — Jeffrey Ross
  • “Ann is against gay marriage. What is your thinking on that? If I can’t get a husband, they can’t either?” — Jeffrey Ross
  • “Ann hopes the Republicans can hold onto the House so she can still haunt it.” — David Spade
  • “Ann Coulter is here. If you are here, Ann, who is scaring the crows away from our crops?” — Pete Davidson
  • “I do want to say as a feminist that I can’t support everything that’s been said tonight. But as someone who hates Ann Coulter, I’m delighted.” — Jewel
  • “Ann Coulter and no black people? What are we roasting? A cross?” — Pete Davidson
  • “I’m not the only athlete up here. As you know earlier this year, Ann Coulter won the Kentucky Derby.” — Peyton Manning
  • “God, it’s white up here. It’s the only way we could get Ann Coulter, though.” — Nikki Glaser
  • “If Ann Coulter is here, someone must have said her name three times. Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!” — Rob Riggle
  • “Ann is one of the most repugnant, hateful, hatchet-face bitches alive. It’s not too late to change, Ann. You could kill yourself.” — British comedian Jimmy Carr
  • “Jeff Ross is going to party like it’s 1999. Ann Coulter is going to vote like it’s 1899.” — Jewel
  • “Ann Coulter has written 11 books, 12 if you include Mein Kampf.” — Nikki Glaser
  • “Ann, you are awful. The only person you will ever make happy is the Mexican who digs your grave.” — Nikki Glaser
  • “Rob Lowe, or as gonorrhea doctors call him, patient zero.” — Pete Davidson
  • “Hey look, it’s Ralph Macchio! How cool is that? Said no one, ever.” — Rob Riggle
  • “Look at this little nugget, Pete Davidson. It’s hard to recognize him when he’s not on SNL, or not on an adventure with the man with the yellow hat.” — Jewel
  • “Rob Riggle, you look like every dad who can’t handle having a gay son.” — Jewel
  • “Peyton Manning is here because Eli is still out there making his dad proud.” — Jewel
  • “David Spade, you went out and got a business degree from Arizona State. Although to be fair, we all know that a business degree from Arizona State is a bar towel that says, ‘you read good.’” — Peyton Manning
  • “Rob Lowe, the only thing you are consistently on is Twitter, which is surprising because you have never been able to master one character, let alone 140.” — Peyton Manning
  • “Jewel is here. Or as I call her, Trailer Swift.” — Nikki Glaser
  • “Rob Lowe defies age … restrictions. You look like you are sculpted. You put the statue in statutory rape.” — Nikki Glaser
  • “I had such a crush on Rob as a little girl. If only I knew that’s when I would have had my best shot.” — Nikki Glaser
  • “You might know Ralph from The Karate Kid. If you don’t know him from that, you don’t know him.” — David Spade
  • “Rob Lowe. Or as the girls in the sex tape said, ‘Rob, no.” — Jeffrey Ross
  • “I just got Peyton Manning’s first book. It’s called ‘Football good. Fire, bad.'” — Jeffrey Ross

The Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe will air at 10 p.m. ET on Labor Day.

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