By Ariana Bacle
August 04, 2016 at 04:38 PM EDT
Luca Teuchmann/WireImage

Cara Delevingne opened up about her struggle with depression in a new interview with Esquirewhere the Suicide Squad star talks about her world falling apart after discovering her mother had been a heroin addict.

“As a kid, I felt like I had to be good and I had to be strong because my mom wasn’t,” she said. “So when it got to being a teenager and all the hormones and the pressure and wanting to do well at school — for my parents, not for me — I had a mental breakdown.”

This past March, Delevingne briefly addressed her depression in a series of tweets about her decision to slow down on her modeling career. “I am focusing on filming and trying to learn how to not pick apart my every flaw,” she wrote. “I am really good at that.”

She elaborated on that in the Esquire interview. “I was suicidal,” she admitted. “I realized how lucky and privileged I was, but all I wanted to do was die. I felt so guilty because of that and hated myself because of that, and then it’s a cycle. I didn’t want to exist anymore. I wanted for each molecule of my body to disintegrate. I wanted to die.”

In the story, she goes on to talk about why she’s so open about the topic. “I could pretend to be someone else,” she said. “But then I’d feel like I’m just running away again.”

Read the full story over at Esquireand see Delevingne in Suicide Squad, out Friday. 

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