Cut it out
Credit: CBS

In the mid-’90s, Baywatch spun off into a second show weirdly based around solving dark — and even paranormal — crimes. Baywatch Nights was a departure from the original show, an attempt to cash in on the success of The X-Files. The new Full House reboot, Fuller House, is nothing like that; as Stephen Colbert noted on Wednesday night talking to stars Bob Saget, John Stamos, and Dave Coulier, “it’s a fun, nostalgic reboot.” Even so, Colbert and the three actors took the time to imagine what a darker, grittier version of Full House might conceivably look like. Full House Nights features the three solving crimes as, in Coulier’s words, “adult roommate detectives who have seen a little bit too much.”

Like Baywatch Nights, Full House NIghts‘ title sequence is grim and shadowy. The words of the original theme song are the same, but it’s not sung by Carly Rae Jepsen and the mood is completely different, a la the distinct versions of Tom Waits’ “Way Down in the Hole” that accompanied each season of The Wire. Fade in on a drug dealer Dmitri (Colbert) being held in a police detention room. Danny and Jesse play a good cop/bad cop routine on Dmitri in order to find out where the drugs are coming from. When that doesn’t work, they turn to their third cop: Uncle Joey’s cartoon impressions.

“We know you’re using the girls as your drug mules,” Coulier said in his Bullwinkle voice. “One of them OD’d in the airport.”

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Eventually, “the Full House daddies” get Dmitri to talk, and Danny concludes with a classic Full House sermons about life lessons.

“Everybody has pain,” Saget said. “And everybody wants to bury that pain under piles and piles of blow. But it’s no excuse to break the law. I think you’ve learned an important lesson here today, Dmitri.”

Watch the full clip below.

Credit: CBS

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Fuller House
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