Mindy Kaling's Ted Cruz biopic: Steve Carell?
So, here’s what happened.
Last night, Mindy Kaling, creator-star-Mindy of The Mindy Project, tweeted: “I want Steve Carell to play Ted Cruz in a biopic and I want to write it.”
One hour later, Steve Carell, Kaling’s Office co-star and wig enthusiast, tweeted: “Count me in.”
Today, Megan Ellison, billionaire film producer, tweeted: “ummm…I know nobody asked me but can I get in on this genius idea?”
Because Hollywood moves fast now, EW is excited to share an exclusive first look at scenes from Kaling’s* Ted Cruz biopic. Working title: Cruz Control. Just kidding, it’s Cruz Origins: America Rising. No no, it’s A Good Day to Cruz Hard.
SCENE ONE: GOP DEBATE, 2016
SEN. TED CRUZ, 45, handsome, vibrant, stands onstage bathed in golden light from the heavens where God lives.
Also onstage: DONALD TRUMP, ancient, fetid.
DONALD TRUMP: And I tell you, we need a real man in the White House! Ted’s no President! He’s not even an American!
The crowd audibly gasps. MEGYN KELLY, journalist, turns to Ted Cruz.
MEGYN KELLY: Senator Cruz, how do you respond to the allegations that you are not a true American?
TED CRUZ: A true American…a true American…
SCENE TWO: A MOUNTAIN RANGE OVERLOOKING AMERICA, 1974
RAFAEL CRUZ, also played by Steve Carell, leads 4-YEAR-OLD TED CRUZ, played by Jacob Tremblay, to the edge of a mountain vista.
RAFAEL CRUZ: Gaze upon this country, my son. This country is America. Someday, it will belong to you.
FOUR-YEAR-OLD TED CRUZ: Father, I thought we were Canadian.
RAFAEL CRUZ: America isn’t something you are. America is something you be.
FOUR-YEAR-OLD TED CRUZ: I understand.
RAFAEL CRUZ: Also, abolish the IRS.
SCENE THREE: PRINCETON DORM ROOM, YEAR 1990
TED CRUZ, now 19, wears a Members Only jacket. He sits on a futon next to CRAIG MAZIN, roommate and future nemesis.
TED CRUZ: I think I’ve got a chance with Tiffani, Kimberly, Courtney, or Tiffany.
CRAIG MAZIN: I don’t care. Hey, me and everyone who isn’t you is going to Atlantic City for the weekend. If anyone calls, tell them I’m at the Trump Taj Mahal, a new casino that famous billionaire Donald Trump just opened.
The camera ZOOMS onto Ted Cruz’ face. He starts sweating.
TED CRUZ: Trump…Trump…Trump.
SCENE FOUR: SUPREME COURT, YEAR 2000
TED CRUZ stands outside of the Supreme Court building with JOHN ROBERTS, attractive legal adviser, played by B.J. Novak.
TED CRUZ: I think we might actually win this court case! George W. Bush is going to be President of the United States!
JOHN ROBERTS: How crazy that I, John Roberts, actually worked for the Bush family to help out on the Supreme Court Case that will make George W. Bush President!
TED CRUZ: Perhaps someday a president will nominate you to the Supreme Court.
JOHN ROBERTS: That is what presidents do. They nominate Supreme Court Justices.
TED CRUZ: Well…some presidents.
Ted Cruz laughs. John Roberts stares blankly at him.
SCENE FIVE: IOWA, 2016
Ted Cruz celebrates his victory in the Iowa caucuses.
TED CRUZ: I won!
Dr. Ben Carson, played by Cuba Gooding Jr., enters the room.
BEN CARSON: Bro, did you tell voters I was suspending my campaign?
TED CRUZ: [flop-sweating] No. Yes. I dunno. Look, we can all agree, none of us like Trump, right?
BEN CARSON: Yeah, but nobody likes you, either.
TED CRUZ: I like me.
BEN CARSON: Really?
TED CRUZ: No. Yes. I dunno.
MEGYN KELLY: Senator Cruz? Senator Cruz?
SCENE SIX: GOP DEBATE, 2016
The whole movie has been a long flashback. Ted Cruz snaps out of it.
MEGYN KELLY: Senator Cruz? I say again: What makes you a True American?
TED CRUZ: I learned how to be an American…from my father.
DONALD TRUMP: Ah ha, but that’s the irony, Teddy! You see…I am your father!
They fight with lightsabers.