February 07, 2016 at 03:54 PM EST

Larry David may have made his triumphant return to Saturday Night Live this weekend, but from the minute he stepped on stage, he couldn’t wait to leave.

As soon as he walked out into Studio 8H for his monologue — covering his ears as he walked past the band — David immediately quieted the applauding audience, saying, “Stop, stop. You’re going to be very disappointed. That’s what I do. I disappoint people.”

“I’m not a host. I’m a guest. I don’t host things,” David added. “No one’s ever even been to my house. If they did go, they’d find it extremely unpleasant. I don’t put out snacks or dips. I can’t remember the last time I had dip in my house. I have a dipless house.”

With his trademarked self deprecation, David went on to chronicle his transition from unknown to celebrity, and how his parents thought he may have an eating disorder as a child. (“Who throws up a brisket? Your mother made a beautiful brisket, and that’s what you do?”) But by the time he was done with the requisite promises of a great show and plugs for the night’s musical guest, The 1975, he was ready to go.

“Honestly, I can’t wait to leave,” he told the audience. “In fact, I would say that’s one of the great pleasures of my life, leaving anywhere I am. Wherever I am I want to get the hell out of there.”

Watch David’s monologue below, and read EW’s full recap here.

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