By Lana, Maya & Zoe Soskin
January 27, 2016 at 05:16 PM EST
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Selfish. Selfish. Selfish.

Abby’s breakdown continues. We open on her crying, no makeup, hair in rollers, screaming into a telephone next to an unmade bed in the back of her studio, where she apparently now lives.

“I’m in big trouble!”

“I wouldn’t have called you but I’m desperate!”

At first, this whole scene is a head-scratcher. Who is the mystery person Abby is yelling to? A friend? A lawyer? A dial tone?

Why is she living in the back room of her dance studio? Given all of this, why are the moms most stricken that she’s not wearing a bra?

Well, I know this, if I was losing my business, being humiliated on national TV, and facing jail time? I would totally be braless.

But, surprise! The moms don’t care.

Mom No. 1: “Maddie is back and has a photo shoot (for Seventeen magazine) I want to announce and Abby is not here!”

Mom No. 2: “Our girls have their first solo in long time with Maddie and Abby is not here for rehearsals!”

Mom No. 3: “The minis are performing for the first time and Abby is not going to see them!” 

Not having Abby around has caused the moms to go off the rails. So instead of yelling at her for our viewing pleasure, they go after the new mom Ashlee and all hell breaks loose.

Here’s the gist: Maddie is back and Ashlee is tired of everyone thinking Maddie is the best when her daughter Brynn is the best and she lets everyone know it.

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Since Jill (Kendall’s mom) already hates Ashlee, this gets Maddie’s mom, Melissa, on the “Ashlee sucks” train as well.

Watching these moms tear each other apart with my 8-year-old daughters, I begin to get really excited/cringe …

Jill: “You’re daughter is no Maddie!”

My kids: “She is right! We don’t like Brynn!”

Melissa: “Ashlee better learn her f—ing place”

My kids: “What is that word they are bleeping out. Rewind.”

Ashlee: “Jill is going through menopause!”

My kids: “What is menopause? Why is that mean? What happens when you go through it? Why do you stop getting your period? Will I stop getting mine? When will I get mine?”

Mom: “Ashlee’s boob job is affecting her brain”

My kids: “What’s a boob job? Why would someone want to get that? Why would it affect her brain?”

And the all-time low …

Ashlee: “Jojo is the worst dancer on this team”

Me: “Oh no you didn’t! “

My kids: “Ashlee is a poop!”

Although Jojo is a clear-cut favorite in our house — having met her, she is one of the sweetest of the group – that is no reason for a 41-year-old woman to start screaming at her television in front of her daughters. (Alone, of course, that would be fine.)

I continually wrestle with letting my girls stay up until 10 p.m. on a school night watching this show. Just as I vow never to do it again, something miraculous happens (in Dance Moms world) — we get to see the girls interact! 

The original girls take the scared little mini team (who clearly idolize the older girls), under their wings, help get them ready, coach them, hug them and cheer them on. These girls are all about friendship, loyalty and support? What show am I watching? Oh yeah, the one that reminds me that despite the poor choices adults sometimes make, kids are smart enough to see through it. And in the end, everything is going to be fine. 

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