How to Survive a Celebrity Breakup, by Miss Piggy
You don’t have to tell moi that 2015 was a tough year for celebrity couples. I lived it. Gone are those carefree, tabloid-teasing days of power couples “Bennifer,” ”Blambert” and that most famous of fabulous pairings, “Piggmit” … or were we “Kerggy”? I can never remember.
What is it like being at the center of this celebrity-split maelstrom? Simply put: It stinks! You can call it an “amicable parting,” a “trial separation” or an “unconscious uncoupling,” but there are no words to describe the heartache, sorrow and massive amounts of paperwork that occur when two celebrities breakup.
And while the emotional costs are staggering, publicity costs can be even worse. First, you have to release a heavily redacted statement about the breakup that dances wildly around the truth. Then, you have to spin the story so you come out looking good enough to be employable as a singles act. Finally, you have to pay for all those “Team Piggy” T-shirts, which aren’t cheap, especially if you have demanding fans who absolutely refuse to wear a poly-fiber blend.
But please, dear friends, don’t worry too much about moi or my fellow celebrity breakup victims. I, for one, am doing just fine. I have my own talk show, Up Late With Miss Piggy, as seen on my primetime ABC series The Muppets. I have a very healthy dating life, as seen with lots of juicy details in future issues of People magazine. And I am even on good terms with my longtime ex-BF, Kermit the Frog, who now works for moi on my late-night show.
As for the other celebrity couples who broke up this year; trust me, they will all survive. After all, these celebrities have enormous entourages, dozens of people whose only purpose in life is to make the celebrity feel better. It works wonders! Before long, these currently heartbroken celebs will be dating, hooking up with other celebrities and creating new and even-more-catchy two-name monikers!
While it’s true that celebrity breakups “stink,” remember that we celebrities always recover. The ones who really suffer are you, our fans. You follow us. You believe in us. You live vicariously through us. And so, when something goes wrong in a celebrity’s life, it hurts you, too. When, for instance, the romance falls apart, dreams are shattered, and a frog lets the best thing that ever happened to him slip through his fingers, you feel the pain too.
But don’t you worry. We’ll get through this together. Stick with moi, and in time, we’ll move on to better things, happier days, and maybe a chance to get even. Kissy Kissy!