By Amanda Michelle Steiner
November 16, 2015 at 01:06 PM EST
Michael Rozman/Warner Bros
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Before Caitlyn Jenner documented her life post-transition on the E! docuseries I Am Cait, a series of conversations were filmed with her family for the Keeping Up With the Kardashians special About Bruce. In the special, Khloé Kardashian appeared to be dealing poorly not necessarily with Jenner’s gender identity, but with how Caitlyn chose to break the news of the upcoming transition to her family. 

In a conversation with Ellen DeGeneres on Monday, Kardashian revealed that the problem was compounded by the fact that she learned about the transition on camera, while filming KUWTK. “I felt like we kept asking him, ‘Bruce, like, what’s going on? We’re hearing all these rumors.’ And he kept telling us one thing, but really he knew he was transitioning and wouldn’t be honest with us,” she said. “So we felt like we were kind of the last to know, so that was hard for us. Especially me.

“I defended him for so long. … Now I’m fully okay with it, but I think the biggest part for me was understanding that Bruce is totally separate from Caitlyn. And he liked to tell us that, ‘Oh, I’m always going to be Bruce. I’ll always be your dad.’ … and I think he meant that.” 

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However, nobody could have anticipated what the transition would truly mean for the family’s interpersonal dynamics. “I’m sure he probably hoped [that] maybe glimmers of Bruce would be there. But if your soul really wanted to be a female this whole time I can’t expect that. So now we know that Caitlyn is not Bruce,” said Kardashian, adding that they’ve all had to “mourn the loss” of Bruce, confirming at DeGeneres’ prompting that no, she does not see any “glimmers” of Bruce in Caitlyn. 

That said, Caitlyn’s daughters and stepdaughters still refer to her as “Dad,” which Kardashian admitted “is confusing to some people, but that’s how we know her.” 

See the full interview below. 

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