By Megan Lewis
Updated October 15, 2015 at 08:02 PM EDT
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Snooki, former Jersey Shore star and author of the New York Times best seller A Shore Thing, has a new book. Nicole Polizzi released Strong is the New Sexy: My Kickass Story on Getting my “Formula for Fierce” this week. If you’re a passionate Snooki fan who’s dying to get the gory details behind a lavish wedding, two childbirths and Polizzi’s post-Shore transformation, this is the book for you. If you don’t self-identify as a Snooki fan but you’re still mildly curious as to how she’d memorialize herself in literary form, you don’t have to read the book. EW has done it for you.

Strong is the New Sexy does indeed share Polizzi’s weight loss journey and transformation from the Snooki who slept until 4 p.m. and consumed most of her calories via alcohol to the mother who chases two young children around the house. She’s transparent about her methods, reminding readers that the same practices aren’t right for everyone. She includes input from her trainer, and even gives a reasonably attainable workout guide, complete with visual instructions, for fans who don’t have access to trainers or even gyms.

She also describes, in cheesy details, her relationship with husband, Jionni, and the way the two make it work. She talks about online “haters” and her group of “besties,” some of whom she’s had forever, and she chronicles her various entrepreneurial endeavors since leaving reality TV. She calls herself a MILF and her readers her boo boos, spells “cool” as “kewl” — and don’t worry, you’ll find out when she lost her virginity, too.

It’s mildly humorous in parts, painful to read in others. Here are some gems from Strong is the New Sexy.

“Being too smart is a kind of stupid.”

“If being wrong makes you strong, I don’t ever want to be right.”

“This piece of paper is like a pair of fur-lined handcuffs that lock you together.” — on her marriage license.

“You can’t down a six pack of light beer, and fit into your shorts the next day. So don’t even try.”

“My taste has evolved, as I have, from trashy to classy.”

“One day, we’ll buy equipment, but in the meantime, it’s a big empty space, waiting to be filled, like a vagina.” — on her home gym.

“I think that the government is totally aware of all this s–t, and keeps it from us so we don’t all hide in our closets all day long.” — on vampires, mermaids and werewolves.