By Ariana Bacle
Updated September 07, 2015 at 02:34 PM EDT

Last Week Tonight is currently on hiatus, but John Oliver made a brief return for an online-exclusive segment aimed at students going back to school that includes spoiling the conclusions of multiple classic books (surprise, Romeo and Juliet die at the end of Romeo and Juliet!) and comparing Asia and Africa to… Gossip Girl star Penn Badgley?

“You will leave school knowing as much about those two continents as I know about actor Penn Badgley,” Oliver says. “You’ll know that it’s something that exists in the world, but you won’t be able to give any facts about it other than the general shape.”

In the segment, Oliver goes through each general subject area and gets honest about what students really need to know. For example, his idea of what’s important to American History might be different than the typical teacher: “The only thing you need to learn about this is something that they are almost definitely not going to teach you, and that is Warren G. Harding’s love life, which, believe me, was spectacular,” Oliver jokes. “Seriously, Google ‘Warren G. Harding penis named Jerry’ right now, and you will not be disappointed.”

See the full clip below, and watch Last Week Tonight when it returns to HBO Sept. 13. (Oh, and here’s that Google search.)

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