Because, as the movie turns 20, no one would call anyone a 'Baldwin' anymore

By Jessica Derschowitz
July 16, 2015 at 12:00 PM EDT
Credit: Everett Collection
  • Movie

Amy Heckerling’s Clueless is a cultural touchstone — you’ll never forget the outfits, the quotable lines, Alicia Silverstone’s endearing turn as hopeless romantic Cher Horowitz, or the rest of her classmates and teachers from the fictional Bronson Alcott High. It’s so memorable that we even named it to our list of high school movies that defined their year … which, in Clueless’ case, was 1995.

As the film celebrates its 20th anniversary on July 19, we found ourselves wondering what the movie would be like if it were made today. If Cher and Dionne got a 2015, Tai-style makeover, here are 11 things that we think would have to happen.

1. The slang would be totally different

No offense to Alec, Billy and Stephen, but “Baldwin” doesn’t quite cut it as a term for stone-cold hottie anymore. (Our replacement suggestion? Hemsworth.) Bon mots from the 1995 film like calling a girl a “Monet,” a “Betty,” or saying you’re “totally buggin’” would get a big, fat “huh?” from today’s teens.

2. Mr. Hall + Ms. Geist = a match made in (online) heaven

Our 2015 Cher would still want to pair off her two teachers, Mr. Hall and Ms. Geist, but she’d have online subterfuge to help her do it. Couldn’t you imagine Cher encouraging both her teachers to join Match (or even, gasp!, Tinder?) and ensuring they ended up on each other’s radar?

Credit: Elliott Marks

3. Cher would no longer use Polaroids to gauge her outfits…

We know she doesn’t trust mirrors (as if!), but this is what selfies were made for.

4. …but would still have that amazing revolving closet of hers

Seriously, it’s been 20 years and her wardrobe setup still gives most humans closet envy.

5. That Alaïa moment would totally have been averted

There’d be no need to call information for a cab company — or to take that ride from Elton — if Cher could just book an Uber home from that party in the Valley. That means no getting stranded in a parking lot by that jerk, no getting robbed at gunpoint, and certainly no getting on the ground in her designer dress.

6. Cher wouldn’t be saving herself for Luke Perry

Unless she’s a big fan of 90210 reruns, chances are Cher would probably be holding out for the likes of Ryan Gosling.

7. And she and Tai would take spin classes instead of watching workout videos

No one ever said “My buns, they don’t feel nothin’ like steel” after a SoulCycle workout.

8. Freeway? No way.

The unexpected trip on the freeway that terrified Cher and led Dionne’s virginity to go from technical to nonexistent probably wouldn’t have happened with Google Maps and GPS.

9. “Aw, honey, you ordered Seamless!”

Cher’s attempt at a steamy night with Christian wouldn’t involve burnt cookies (she’d totally have them delivered, fresh from the oven), and teens these days probably wouldn’t turn to Spartacus (or, as Cher calls it, “Sparatacus”) for a movie night. Netflix binge, anyone?

10. All of Cher’s epiphanies would be captured on social media…

Because why realize you’re in love with Paul Rudd via inner monologue when you could do it on Twitter, Tumblr, Snapchat, or all of the above?

11. And, speaking of Paul Rudd, he’d still play Josh.

Because really, the guy does not age.

Credit: Everett Collection; Jeff Vespa/WireImage


  • Movie
  • PG-13
  • Amy Heckerling