Because, as the movie turns 20, no one would call anyone a 'Baldwin' anymore
Amy Heckerling’s Clueless is a cultural touchstone — you’ll never forget the outfits, the quotable lines, Alicia Silverstone’s endearing turn as hopeless romantic Cher Horowitz, or the rest of her classmates and teachers from the fictional Bronson Alcott High. It’s so memorable that we even named it to our list of high school movies that defined their year … which, in Clueless’ case, was 1995.
As the film celebrates its 20th anniversary on July 19, we found ourselves wondering what the movie would be like if it were made today. If Cher and Dionne got a 2015, Tai-style makeover, here are 11 things that we think would have to happen.
1. The slang would be totally different
No offense to Alec, Billy and Stephen, but “Baldwin” doesn’t quite cut it as a term for stone-cold hottie anymore. (Our replacement suggestion? Hemsworth.) Bon mots from the 1995 film like calling a girl a “Monet,” a “Betty,” or saying you’re “totally buggin’” would get a big, fat “huh?” from today’s teens.
2. Mr. Hall + Ms. Geist = a match made in (online) heaven
Our 2015 Cher would still want to pair off her two teachers, Mr. Hall and Ms. Geist, but she’d have online subterfuge to help her do it. Couldn’t you imagine Cher encouraging both her teachers to join Match (or even, gasp!, Tinder?) and ensuring they ended up on each other’s radar?
3. Cher would no longer use Polaroids to gauge her outfits…
4. …but would still have that amazing revolving closet of hers
5. That Alaïa moment would totally have been averted
There’d be no need to call information for a cab company — or to take that ride from Elton — if Cher could just book an Uber home from that party in the Valley. That means no getting stranded in a parking lot by that jerk, no getting robbed at gunpoint, and certainly no getting on the ground in her designer dress.
6. Cher wouldn’t be saving herself for Luke Perry
7. And she and Tai would take spin classes instead of watching workout videos
No one ever said “My buns, they don’t feel nothin’ like steel” after a SoulCycle workout.
8. Freeway? No way.
The unexpected trip on the freeway that terrified Cher and led Dionne’s virginity to go from technical to nonexistent probably wouldn’t have happened with Google Maps and GPS.
9. “Aw, honey, you ordered Seamless!”
Cher’s attempt at a steamy night with Christian wouldn’t involve burnt cookies (she’d totally have them delivered, fresh from the oven), and teens these days probably wouldn’t turn to Spartacus (or, as Cher calls it, “Sparatacus”) for a movie night. Netflix binge, anyone?
10. All of Cher’s epiphanies would be captured on social media…
11. And, speaking of Paul Rudd, he’d still play Josh.
Because really, the guy does not age.