By Will Robinson
July 14, 2015 at 07:52 PM EDT

Finally, the news we’ve all wanted to hear: Pizza is better for you than stupid vegetables. Don’t take our word for it. Check out Daniel Frances, Food Expert — aka Nick Offerman — says it’s legit.

Funny or Die released a video with the inimitable Parks and Recreation star as the proprietor of Pizza Farm, sprawling acres of land dedicated to producing high-quality “junk food.” “Mmm, like mother’s milk,” Offerman proclaims after drinking from a hose of Coca-Cola.

The jig was up when a ripe fish sticks don’t stick on vines, the failure of a poor farm worker. “Listen: If it’s on a plant, it’s good for you,” Offerman asserts. “Who care how it got there?”

The video is sponsored by the American Heart Association in promotion of its campaign to tell lawmakers to increase access to healthier foods for kids. The petition can be viewed here, and the idyllic agricultural mecca of processed sustenance can be viewed below.

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