By Dan Snierson
Updated February 20, 2015 at 12:00 PM EST

It’s a dog-poop-on-dog world, and one crude canine is hell-bent on dominating it. Triumph the Insult Comic Dog—who shot to fame on Late Night with Conan O’Brien—will headline an Adult Swim sitcom with Jack McBrayer called The Jack and Triumph Show (which premieres tonight at 11:30 p.m.). We asked Triumph—or, rather, series co-creator Robert Smigel, who also serves as voice and puppeteer of the offensive hound—to size up this season’s highest-rated shows.

THE WALKING DEAD (AMC) “Do we really need another show about packs of decaying monsters who should be shot in the head? We already have, like, six Real Housewives spin-offs.“

THE BIG BANG THEORY (CBS) “It’s perfect for the CBS demographic—most of the viewers of Big Bang were around for the original. Interesting piece of trivia: Galecki, Cuoco and Bialik are all diseases you can get from shtupping a terrier without protection.”

EMPIRE (FOX) “It’s a hip-hop soap opera—a show about black people, for white housewives. I’ve always wanted my grandmother to get into Lil Wayne.”

THE BLACKLIST (NBC) “James Spader’s character has a blacklist of all his greatest enemies. And right at the top of the list is ‘jumping jacks.’ I keed! This show is super exciting and full of mysteries, like ‘Why is James Spader dressed like Carmen Sandiego?'”

MODERN FAMILY (ABC) “That show is so relatable! What happens to the Pritchetts and Dunphys could happen to any family of rich Los Angeles television writers.”

SCANDAL (ABC) “The plots are a little far-fetched for me. If I wanted to watch something that unbelievable, I can turn on NBC Nightly News. Yes, Scandal is a show that always keeps me guessing. Mostly about which one of my nuts I will be focused on licking while it’s on.”

THE VOICE (NBC) “You know your talent show is a failure when the winners are less famous then the chairs the judges sit on. But I love Blake Shelton and Adam Levine—their on-screen chemistry is so intense that it’s illegal to watch it in Alabama, Arkansas, and Mississippi.”