”I remember the moment clearly. I was just a young hat growing up in London — no older than a beanie, really — when I saw the performance given by the fedora in Raiders of the Lost Ark and said to myself, ”Someday, I’m going to be famous.” But never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined it would happen like this. The millinery industry can be hard on big guys like myself (size 7 ½ and proud!), so I was filled with excitement when I learned Pharrell wanted to wear me to the Grammy Awards.
Then everything blew up. The next few weeks were a blur. I may have come from a milliner, but I was embraced by millennials. Everyone was talking about me, me, me; my Twitter account gained thousands of followers; and I signed a five-figure deal with Arby’s to be its spokeshat. The night before the Oscars, I called up Aretha Franklin’s hat from President Obama’s inauguration and asked her how she dealt with her newfound fame. Naturally, she said, ”Don’t let it go to your head.” Indeed, there were times when I felt like I was wearing Pharrell and not the other way around. And while Skateboard P has moved on to other hats — and Blake Shelton — I’ll be fine right here with my beef ‘n cheddar.”