By Emily Blake
Updated November 25, 2014 at 08:00 PM EST
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For some strange, strange reason, celebrities doing their own cookbooks is a bona fide thing now. (As are feuds between said celebrities and Martha Stewart, apparently.)

In fact, it’s widespread enough that one could easily create an entire Thanksgiving meal based only on recipes from their favorite (and possibly least favorite) actors, rappers, reality TV stars, and politically incorrect rockstars. (Let’s amuse these celebs for a second by pretending we think they actually come up with recipes themselves.) Which is why we went ahead and compiled the best celebrity recipes for three very different Thanksgiving crowds. Here are our picks:

For the “kitchen pimps,” badasses, and disciples of all things “YOLO”: 2 Chainz’s Mealtime and Coolio’s Cookin’ with Coolio: 5 Star Meals at a 1 Star Price

Credit: Lewis Jacobs/NBC

If you’re vegan, sober, or have any problems with such instructions as “Roll it nice and tight like a blunt” or “Cook for 3 to 4 minutes while blasting ‘Hit It With Fork’ at an ignorant level,” skip ahead. These recipes are meant to fuel the kind of Thanksgiving in which you’re getting drunk on Cognac and giving thanks for your $4,000 watch. 2 Chainz’s recipes come courtesy of Atlanta-based Chef Aleem, while Coolio’s offerings are (apparently) all from him, the self-proclaimed “kitchen pimp” himself.

A Thanksgiving classic with no gimmicks—potatoes, garlic, heavy cream, butter, etc—except specific instructions that include “If wearing a four-finger ring, carefully place it on a side table” and “Play ‘Feds Watching’ and celebrate the good times you had this year.”

Coolio’s Drunk-Ass Chicken

Sure, teriyaki chicken isn’t the most traditional Thanksgiving poultry dish, but Coolio promises this one—soaked in vodka, tequila, and beer—will “keep your chickens stumbling around like Mariah Carey.” And that’s what Thanksgiving’s really all about, right?

Calls for a marble mixing bowl. Non-negotiable.

Coolio’s Sweet Chocolate Potato Pie

You’ll have to consult the old-fashioned book for this recipe, but judging from the fact that it has a. chocolate b. sweet potatoes and c. Coolio’s stamp of approval, it’s gotta be good.

For the health-conscious, vegan, and/or gluten-free: Gwyneth Paltrow’s It’s All Good or GOOP blog

Credit: Lewis Jacobs/NBC

Apparently, gluttony isn’t the meaning of Thanksgiving for everyone. If you and your guests are more of the green-juice-sipping types, if you’re constantly questioning if this really is local, or if you’re more likely to Instagram your food than eat it, Gwynnie’s the girl for you.

A hearty, healthy dish, with the option to get a little crazy: “Drizzle with lime and serve with avocado slices, cilantro, warm tortillas and sour cream if desired.”

If you’re feeling even crazier.

Kinda like normal potato salad, except not even a little bit. At all.

Neither vegan nor particularly healthy, but the story behind it means it’s worth cheating for: After Martha Stewart said Gwyneth Paltrow “needs to just be quiet” and poked not-so-subtle fun at her with a “Conscious Coupling” spread in Martha Stewart Living, Paltrow responded by posting this recipe to Goop. This meal needs a little sass, after all.

For the Ron Swansons of the world: Ted Nugent’s Kill It & Grill It

Credit: Lewis Jacobs/NBC

Do you frequently order the turf and turf? Do you talk to your meat before eating it or, on occasion, make love to it? Then follow the teachings of Ted Nugent with Kill It & Grill It, which gives you step-by-step instructions on killing and preparing a meal that would make Mr. Swanson proud. This Thanksgiving would send any vegetarians, vegans or anyone without the stomach of an ER surgeon running away screaming, so beware.

Calls for both venison and ham, because meat.

The only flaw in this recipe is that it calls for something Canadian: maple syrup. But it’s also got bourbon. And that’s American, folks.

Big Game Meat Cakes

The closest thing you’ll get to sweets here.

Bar-B-Que Black Bear

Do not attempt if you live in Florida.

Coca-Cola Stew

Because you can not get more America than something called “Coca-Cola Stew.” USA! USA! USA!


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