By Miles Raymer
Updated October 23, 2014 at 07:26 PM EDT
Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images

The argument over whether or not punk is dead has been going on for about as long as punk’s been around, and over the decades as it’s evolved from a revolutionary youth cult to an empty signifier for rebellion and a form of entertainment made to be consumed by tweens, its defenders have devised an obstacle course’s worth of semantic and intellectual gymnastics in order to explain its ongoing validity. But if Sex Pistols-branded diaper bags and multi-thousand-dollar designer crust punk jackets weren’t enough to make them give up, perhaps Martha Stewart’s guide to throwing a punk-rock-themed party for kids will be the last straw.

Written by Martha Stewart Living Assistant Digital Editor Alexandra Churchill–who according to her bio has “a soft spot for tiny terrariums, rose water recipes, and antique bottles”–introduces punk to the Martha Stewart brand tradition of infusing casual events with a panic-inducing level of obsessive perfectionism. Her party suggestions include incredibly fussy garlands of plaid fabric decorated with safety pins, dress-up stations where kids can get temporary tattoos and mohawks, and serving “Spinach Ricotta Skulls,” which in particular seem to mock the very concepts of both punk rock and children’s parties.

Most of Churchill’s tips seem like way more trouble than any sane person would put into a punk-themed kid’s party, aside from the idea of giving little kids mohawks and playing them the Ramones, which sounds like a blast. But there’s something about her feature that’s so antithetical to punk’s core concepts, so disrespectful of its values that have been passed down for generations now, that it’s almost–dare we say it–totally punk.