October 21, 2014 at 05:07 PM EDT

If the one thought you had while playing Super Mario was that the game could really use some Game of Thrones-level of character development and story detail, Chronicle scribe Max Landis has you covered.

On his blog, the screenwriter released today his 436-page take on the classic Super Nintendo game Super Mario World. Written originally when he was 19, Landis has included a foreword in the script, which can be downloaded in full at his website, cautioning readers of what’s in store.

Among those words of warning: “This script sucks”—which Landis repeats, in case the initial admonition of his work didn’t quite sell his feelings on the piece.

So what is the actual story? Landis describes it as “if George R.R. Martin wrote s—-y fan fic,” and his take manages to squeeze in just about every Super Mario character created at the time, and a number of other popular Nintendo figures. Seriously, even Funky Kong gets a major arc. Landis’ script is a serious take on the world of Mario Mario and Luigi Mario, a sprawling epic that Landis even commissioned artwork from artist Darren Calvert.

The character artwork helps to convey Landis’ tone, though the writer is perfectly aware will never actually be adapted. Aside from the rights issues involved—and Nintendo has been reticent to bring its characters to the world of film ever since the awful Super Mario Bros. movie made in 1993—there’s also the script’s length (nearly four times that of a normal film script), and Landis’ writing itself, to contend with.

While the screenwriter admits he has some fondness for specific dialogue and imagery, he wrote it all out in such a way that certain scenes go on for over 10 pages, with entire fight sequences spelled out blow by blow.

Landis doesn’t expect readers to actually finish the script—to which there’s only one proper response. But at the very least, it’s worth skimming through to see how he introduces or depicts the many denizens of the Mushroom Kingdom. After all, where else can you read Mario actually explaining how a Super Leaf works or Wario yelling, “Helicopters! Where are my goddamn helicopters!?”

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