We all have those moments late at night when the Netflix queue is just “meh,” everything in the freezer has been microwaved and eaten, and all there’s left to do in this world is to tweet. It seems that Larry King had that kind of night as he tweeted with the stamina of a thousand youths late last night (or more like early this morning). It all began with a critical appraisal of Dane Cook’s Showtime special (as it usually does) and devolved into an appreciation of Derek Jeter, Oreo cookies with milk, and a hatred of people with perfect teeth. Let’s try to figure out what the hell is actually going on.

Popular comedy opinion tends to disagree on lauding Cook, but King seems to set off the night by being a renegade against the masses.

It’s probably for the best, considering that a kid just got his arm eaten by a bear at the zoo.

So, so true.

This is what happens when you Google “Larry King wife.”

From the mouths of millionaire newscasters, right?

Jury’s out on the salad name’s origins, but a character in Inception shares the same name as the salad.

Why is a cow patty called a hamburger?

Uh, yeah you are Larry.


Gotta ward off those UV rays.

Yeah, braces do make some people at least 99 percent more annoying.

Josh Groban was the best thing on Rising Star, even if that isn’t saying much.

Even Derek Jeter probably misses Derek Jeter, Larry.

The first issue of Batman did go for $1 million.

That’s some real truth.

There’s zombie, paintball hayrides now. That’s a thing now.

I think every real New Yorker prefers a duck to a rat…sorry…”mouse.”

With that, the Larry King Automatron Twitter machine signed off.