By Marc Snetiker
October 20, 2014 at 08:17 PM EDT

So, there’s an Annie movie. And if the trailers are any indication, it’s probably going to be hilarious. Not “ha-ha, isn’t this whimsical?” hilarious, but “Pierce Brosnan is giving his all in Mamma Mia!” hilarious.

But the one thing that isn’t funny is the movie’s social media campaign. Annie‘s marketing team seems to actually understand its target demographic: tween girls and reluctant adults whose fingers are glued to their phones. The latest proof of that awareness is a goofy lyric video accompanying the first full track release of “It’s the Hard-Knock Life,” the show’s orphan ensemble opener (calm down, “Maybe”). The song introduces us to the film’s sassy stars (now foster kids), cursed to live out their days scrubbing floors and singing backup harmony.

The song is fine—and reflective of Annie‘s contemporary setting update—but the emoji are just wrong. SO wrong, in fact, that they’re almost indecipherable to those of us who don’t study emoji lore. That’s why I decided to translate it for you.

First, you must play the actual version of the song:

Now imagine you’re in an orphanage in New York City—only instead of a Great Depression-era shack run by Carol Burnett, it’s a chic Orange is the New Bunk Bed-style playroom where Cameron Diaz makes you watch her back catalog. And scene:

Everett Collection

♫ (Here’s some music because it’s a song) ♫

Jonathan Wenk

♫ (And lots of diverse applause plus shoes) ♫

Diego Lopez Calvin

♫ (There is a horn section that far out-budgets the strings) ♫

Kevin Winter/Getty Images

♫ It’s the hammer punch boom baby bird…for us! ♫

Larry Watson/FOX

♫ It’s the hammer E door Toad…for us! ♫

Everett Collection

♫ Instead of cookies ♫

Kevin Winter/Getty Images

♫ We get a rabbit ♫

Brent J. Craig

♫ ‘Steada kisses ♫

Everett Collection

♫ DSW has a sale ♫

Grammer: Patrick Mymore/ABC; Heaton: Richard Foreman/ABC

♫ Anchor are-my-nailbeds-okay door LIFE! ♫

Lee Roth/RothStock/PR Photos

♫ (We’re about to start another verse, here are more horns) ♫

Tom Casino

♫ Easter Island bowling love…for us! ♫

Craig Blankenhorn/CBS

♫ Hammer this cuticle inside the battery…for us! ♫

Everett Collection

Dogs enjoy fruit, chicken, and treats 

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♫ Dogs contemplate mankind’s existential obligations (“tricks”) ♫

Brent J. Craig

♫ ‘Steada kisses ♫

Everett Collection

♫ I stubbed my toe ♫

♫ It’s the jewel book ecosystem! ♫

Lee Roth/RothStock/PR Photos

♫ (MORE MUSIC—YOU STILL WITH US? K GOOD) ♫

Brian Hineline/Retna Ltd(2)

♫ Don’t it feel like the cloud Poliwhirl is always poodlin’? ♫

♫ Don’t it seem like we’re spying on this girl? ♫

♫ Once a day, do you find yourself weeping at the thought of another sunrise? ♫

♫ It’s easier than putting up a fight ♫

No one’s there when you fall asleep during Hocus Pocus ♫

Jim Bridges

♫ Sunflower sunflower sunflower sunflower ♫

♫ (We decided to skip to the next portion of the song) ♫

Paul Drinkwater/NBC

♫ Gluten-free life ♫

Greg Gayne/Fox

Disgusting disgusting life ♫

♫ Sad triplets life ♫

♫ I Hate Mondays life ♫

Trae Patton/NBC

♫ Santa Claus we never see, Santa Claus is not a part of our day-to-day ♫

Ron Tom/ABC

♫ No one lets you cross the street when you’re an antisocial multi-ethnic orphan ♫

Everett Collection

♫ Diamond punch this baby! ♫

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♫ (Musical interlude) ♫

♫ (AND THE CHORUS ONCE MORE, WITH FEELING!) ♫

Ron Tom/ABC

♫ Hammer these books into your heart…for us! ♫

Mark Dye/PR Photos

♫ Pull the mustache kill Sofia Vergara ♫

Everett Collection

Then rush her to the ER and ask for Karev  ♫

Steve Schapiro/Corbis

♫ (SUDDEN BRASS!) ♫

♫ Anchor bowling that plant…for us! ♫

Everett Collection

♫ Statue stop-in-the-name-of-love entryway battery…for us! ♫

Joan Marcus

♫ All the words we said earlier… ♫

Keystone-France/Everett Collection

♫ Sledgehammer…punch…bang…baby…LIIIIIIIFE! ♫

House: Greg Gayne/Fox; Gossip Girl: The CW; Grey's: ABC

♫ Jamie Foxx is also in the movie. ♫

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