By Marc Snetiker
Updated October 20, 2014 at 08:17 PM EDT
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So, there’s an Annie movie. And if the trailers are any indication, it’s probably going to be hilarious. Not “ha-ha, isn’t this whimsical?” hilarious, but “Pierce Brosnan is giving his all in Mamma Mia!” hilarious.

But the one thing that isn’t funny is the movie’s social media campaign. Annie‘s marketing team seems to actually understand its target demographic: tween girls and reluctant adults whose fingers are glued to their phones. The latest proof of that awareness is a goofy lyric video accompanying the first full track release of “It’s the Hard-Knock Life,” the show’s orphan ensemble opener (calm down, “Maybe”). The song introduces us to the film’s sassy stars (now foster kids), cursed to live out their days scrubbing floors and singing backup harmony.

The song is fine—and reflective of Annie‘s contemporary setting update—but the emoji are just wrong. SO wrong, in fact, that they’re almost indecipherable to those of us who don’t study emoji lore. That’s why I decided to translate it for you.

First, you must play the actual version of the song:

Now imagine you’re in an orphanage in New York City—only instead of a Great Depression-era shack run by Carol Burnett, it’s a chic Orange is the New Bunk Bed-style playroom where Cameron Diaz makes you watch her back catalog. And scene:

♫ (Here’s some music because it’s a song)

♫ (And lots of diverse applause plus shoes)

♫ (There is a horn section that far out-budgets the strings)

It’s the hammer punch boom baby bird…for us!

It’s the hammer E door Toad…for us!

Instead of cookies

We get a rabbit

‘Steada kisses

DSW has a sale

Anchor are-my-nailbeds-okay door LIFE!

♫ (We’re about to start another verse, here are more horns)

Easter Island bowling love…for us!

Hammer this cuticle inside the battery…for us!

Dogs enjoy fruit, chicken, and treats

Dogs contemplate mankind’s existential obligations (“tricks”)

‘Steada kisses

I stubbed my toe

It’s the jewel book ecosystem!


Don’t it feel like the cloud Poliwhirl is always poodlin’?

Don’t it seem like we’re spying on this girl?

Once a day, do you find yourself weeping at the thought of another sunrise?

It’s easier than putting up a fight

No one’s there when you fall asleep during Hocus Pocus

Sunflower sunflower sunflower sunflower

♫ (We decided to skip to the next portion of the song)

Gluten-free life

Disgusting disgusting life

Sad triplets life

I Hate Mondays life

Santa Claus we never see, Santa Claus is not a part of our day-to-day

No one lets you cross the street when you’re an antisocial multi-ethnic orphan

Diamond punch this baby!

(Musical interlude)


Hammer these books into your heart…for us!

Pull the mustache kill Sofia Vergara

Then rush her to the ER and ask for Karev


Anchor bowling that plant…for us!

Statue stop-in-the-name-of-love entryway battery…for us!

All the words we said earlier…


Jamie Foxx is also in the movie.


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