Avert your eyes, spoiler-phobes: Netflix, the streaming video service that is arguably the reason we care about spoilers in the first place, now has a special web page dedicated to the very phenomenon it helped create.
As spotted by The Wrap, the site is titled Living With Spoilers, and is broken into three sections, which demand to be discussed in detail. So consider this a spoilerific deep dive into Netflix’s site about Spoilers.
What kind of spoiler are you?
This is a flowchart so you can determine what kind of spoiler you are—”spoiler” meaning, in this case, a person who spoils. It operates under the assumption that everyone spoils, which is preposterous. We’re not all monsters. Some of us are perfectly capable of changing the subject should a show or movie someone has not seen comes up in conversation.
Anyway, after following the flowchart to find out your spoiler identity, Netflix then presents you with a cute clip with a text introduction that reads ‘The Clueless Spoiler be all like…” which I believe is a phenomenon known as Meme Appropriation. I’m going to go ahead and spoil this for you and say that there are only two kinds of spoilers: those who care, and those who do not. Your friends might have other names for it, but I can’t print those here, so we’ll leave it at two.
Which spoilers are in the public domain?
Here is where Netflix polls its users about what movies and TV shows are okay to discuss openly. Among consenting adults, none of this should matter, but if you’re the kind of person who wants to go into their smalltalk with a ballpark figure for how offended someone will be when your go-to conversation starter happens to be blurting out the ending of Cool Runnings, then you might find this useful. (At the time this was being written, 88 percent of Netflix users polled are totally cool with the ending of Cool Runnings being spoiled, by the way.) As suggested by this paragraph’s strange fixation on Cool Runnings, a lot of the movies and shows listed are curious choices for spoilerphobia. Even more curious: The shows that are the least okay to spoil are all Netflix shows, some of which have been streaming longer than other, more okay-to-spoil items on the list. Even Bojack Horseman.
Herein lie spoilers in their truest forms. Click once, click twice to be sure, and boom—Netflix will play a shocking twist sans context. It’s hard to imagine who would want this, because it’s pretty underwhelming if you’re presented with something you have not and never will watch. For this article, I asked Netflix to spoil me thrice, and—uh, spoiler alert—it delivered a moment in World War Z where Brad Pitt injects himself and a zombie walks right by him, a scene from Pretty Little Liars where a hooded woman unveils herself to the main cast, and the epilogue of Battlestar Galactica.
I can’t say how big those first two moments are, but I don’t really consider myself spoiled for either of them should I decide to watch them—context is what makes spoilers terrifying, and without it, it’s quite easy to forget a Shocking Reveal. As for BSG—I guess it’s a spoiler to see a moment set in what looks like the modern day, but it’s far more perplexing than spoiling.
This article though, is definitely spoiling you. Sorry, Netflix.