This was the Summer of Butts
Ah, the summer of 2014: It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times. Though mostly, let’s face it, it was the worst. Yet even as horrific violence and heartbreakingly premature deaths and hemorrhagic fevers have marred the past few months, there have also been a few spots of levity. And most are thanks to butts.
True, the humble hiney is no stranger to celebration, especially when it’s warm outside. (You may, however, be shocked to learn that Sisquo’s “Thong Song” was actually released in January.) But this summer went above and beyond, prominently featuring ladies’ posteriors in movies, TV shows, and, more than anywhere else, music. As the season unofficially comes to a close over Labor Day Weekend, let’s take a look back at the Butts of Summer.
Consider this tasty little news story an appetizer: Word breaks that Japanese Godzilla fans are incensed about the monster’s appearance in Gareth Edwards’ upcoming reboot. Why? Because it’s just so… round, and out there: “It’s fat from the neck downwards and massive at the bottom,” one says. Clearly, nobody appreciates a big ol’ booty like Americans do—as the next three months will prove.
You know how summer movie season begins over Memorial Day weekend, even though summer doesn’t technically start until mid-June? Well, the Summer of Butts officially launched when Jason Derulo first crooned “You know what to do with that big fat butt” in the music video for “Wiggle.”
Meghan Trainor releases the video for her soon-to-be viral hit “All About That Bass.” “Bass” — “B” = Ass. That’s simple math—and all the right junk in all the right place…s.
Not to be outdone, derriere pioneer Jennifer Lopez releases a teaser for her next album, A.K.A. The snippet comes from a new song called “Booty.” Sample lyrics: “Big, big booty/What you got a big booty/Big, big booty/What you got a big booty.”
Queen of Bounce Big Freedia releases her fourth studio album, full of twerk-inspiring tracks like “Lift Dat Leg Up.”
Lopez performs “Booty” live on Good Morning America. Guess what the dancing is like.
New to iOS phones and Google Play: Kim Kardashian: Hollywood, an addictive game branded around one of pop culture’s most famous butts.
VH1 premieres Dating Naked, a dating show that’s exactly what it sounds like. Boobs and crotches are blurred out; butts are not.
Not all butts are created equal: Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel’s raunchy comedy Sex Tape debuts and immediately fizzles with critics and audiences. The film earns just $15 million its opening weekend, well below projections. Could it be because the movie’s leads don’t have enough back?
Girls of summer Nicki Minaj, Ariana Grande, and Jessie J team up for the electric single “Bang Bang.” The first lines? “She got a body like an hourglass/But I can give it to you all the time/She got a booty like a Cadillac/But I can send you into overdrive.”
Big Freedia hosts Bounce 4 Year Anniversary in New Orleans. Tagline: “This is the big one: the bounciest of bounces, the twerkiest of twerks, the shakiest of shakes…”
Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda” leaks, days before its planned Aug. 5 release. The cover art looks like this:
Then there’s the universally adored Guardians of the Galaxy, a movie anchored by the Legend of Kevin Bacon. One of its most memorable exchanges:
Starlord: “On my planet, there’s a legend about people like you. It’s called Footloose. And in it, a great hero named Kevin Bacon teaches an entire city full of people with sticks up their butts that dancing, well, it’s the greatest thing there is.”
Gamora: “Who put the sticks up their butts? That is cruel.”
Cinemax—a premium cable channel that, until recently, was primarily known for showing softcore pornography—goes prestige by premiering The Knick, a highly pedigreed period drama. Literally seconds into its first episode, a naked prostitute appears onscreen. We can’t see her butt, but we know it’s there—marking a rare instance in which a butt could have been shown, but wasn’t.
There’s a ton of sex in the first episode of Starz’s moody time-travel drama Outlander, but barely any nudity. One notable exception: A torrid love scene where the only naughty bit shown onscreen is heroine Claire’s shapely behind.
Miley Cyrus is so enamored with Nicki Minaj’s tush that she Instagrams several doctored “Anaconda” covers in which her face and, once, Hannah Montana’s have been photoshopped onto a white version of Minaj’s body. One of these photos briefly becomes her Twitter avatar. Minaj is not pleased.
EW reveals the winner of our Best Character on TV Right Now poll: Tina Belcher, smart, strong, sensual woman and unapologetic lover of butts.
This dude shaves a butt into his hair.
Hey, you know who else loves to shake her booty? Taylor Swift, that’s who. Even if you’re going to make fun of her for it. Actually, especially if you’re going to make fun of her.
Also, the new season of America’s Next Top Model premieres, featuring both male and female posers—sorry, that’s “boochers” and “toochers.” For those not fluent in Tyranian: to “tooch” is “to pop your out booty while taking a photo in order to accentuate your ass.” To “booch” is to be a boy toocher.
The rump-centric video for “Anaconda” drops, featuring “Look At Her Butt” t-shirts, a bemused Drake, and tons of undulating cheeks (like dun duh dun dun dun dun dun).
“Kathy Griffin Challenges Nicki Minaj to Butt Contest.” Everybody wins.
MTV airs the most butt-forward VMAs in recent memory, featuring performances of “Anaconda” and “Bang Bang,” complete with innumerable wiggling asses. Presenter Chelsea Handler observes that all the “big, fat asses” on the show made her feel insecure, which is why she asked to come onstage after someone super white (i.e. Taylor Swift.) But the classiest butts of the evening naturally belong to the shiny-skinned backup dancers doing splits in the air as Beyoncé slays “Drunk in Love.”
“Bang Bang” gets an appropriately booty-shaking music video.
That evening, Sofia Vergara climbs onto a rotating dais at the Emmys, posing like Awards Show Barbie as the president of the TV Academy gives a speech. There’s no question about which body part we should be lavishing with attention; at one point, she pats the junk in her trunk.
Remember Jennifer Lopez? Now there’s a “Booty” remix. And it features Iggy Azalea. And EVEN MORE BUTTS.
You know what? Maybe the Summer of Butts will never be over. Maybe it’ll live inside us always… or at least directly behind us.