Sound Bites: Aug. 22/Aug. 29, 2014

”She doesn’t have any friends or hobbies or purpose, but other than that, you know, she’s good.” —Josh (Josh Thomas), describing how his mentally unstable mom (Debra Lawrance) is doing, on Please Like Me

”I’ve been having kid cereal my whole life. It’s the only cereal I can reach.” —Nicole Richie, bemoaning her 5’1” stature, on Candidly Nicole

”Dylan looks like a bloated, tanner version of Matt Damon…. I have a new nickname for Dylan: Fat Damon.” —Chris on Bachelor in Paradise

”Maybe focus on the revolution, then worry about dating.” —Mindy Kaling, answering the eternal Hunger Games question of Team Peeta vs. Team Gale, at the Teen Choice Awards

”A Russian man has repelled a bear attack by playing his Justin Bieber ringtone. The man’s okay, but the bear is in critical condition.” —Conan O’Brien on Conan

”In this restaurant, the cuisine is not an old, tired marriage, it is a passionate affair of the heart.” —Madame Mallory (Helen Mirren), to her kitchen staff, in The Hundred-Foot Journey

”If all the stuff I’m using to make me look this good right now gave out, we’d lose the first three rows of the studio audience.” —Miss Piggy, admitting to wearing Spanx, on The View

”Big Brother is like a sleep-away camp for sociopaths.” —Jordan Peele on Twitter

”Guys, did you see? I totally talked to a girl!” —Michelangelo, meeting April (Megan Fox), in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles