From reenactments to breaching sharks to water that’s just a little too still, Discovery’s Shark Week has certain sights we can count on after years of attentive viewing, making it the perfect television event to drink to. (You know, because nothing speaks to the beauty and awe of nature quite like alcohol does…)
Sure, you could drink every time a shark appears on screen, but we’re going for something slightly more ambitious. Bring your 21+ self and can-do attitude, and get ready to play Entertainment Weekly‘s ultimate Shark Week drinking game. Proceed with caution, or not at all. Hey, we tried to warn you.
From EW to you, soon-to-be sharkfaced readers: Happy Shark Week! (Yes, it should be treated as a holiday.)
-2-3 Beers (Your choice, but Land Shark sounds more spirited)
-1 Bloody Mary
-1 AMF (It’s blue, like the ocean)
-Full stomach (Well, not too full, but certainly not empty)
Before we get started, if you feel like adding an extra layer to our 10 rules, draw a mustache on a piece of paper and tape it to the TV screen. Every time the mustache lines up perfectly with a shark, or human, drink! Warning: high tolerance strongly recommended. For those who hope to spare their liver, if only slightly, skip the mustache and follow the 10 rules below.
1. Take a sip of beer whenever you hear an Australian or South African accent; we suggest Foster’s for Australia and (pause for Google search…) Castle Lager for South Africa. Then, try to imitate the accents. This will get funnier as the game continues…
2. Take two sips of beer whenever someone goes into the water to face the predators in a steel cage. Keep your camera handy! If a shark bites the cage, gather your friends and pose, delivering your best toothy grin. Don’t bite your friends (too hard).
3. Take three sips of beer if a new discovery is made and/or something is caught on film for the first time, and yell “Yeah, science!” a la Jesse Pinkman.
4. Speaking of Breaking Bad, when the water seems just a little too still, start humming Tommy James and the Shondells’ “Crystal Blue Persuasion” and gently sip your AMF. Oh, and try to relax; we realize you’re probably fighting the paranoia of an imminent attack.
5. If a diver swears, put a dollar in the swear jar. You know, so you can afford to buy beer the next go-round.
6. Whenever you see blood, reenactments or otherwise, get that Bloody Mary in hand, and keep drinking until you no longer see red.
7. Begin drinking when a shark breaches, and don’t even think about stopping until the shark is all the way back in the water (through all the slow-mo; includes replays). Probably best to go for lower alcohol content here. Stick to beer.
[Hold for Shark Week-related comedy break! Note, if you’re going to follow Tracy Jordan’s advice, do yourself a favor and don’t play this game every week. Your liver will thank you.]
8. In the rare event that a seal escapes from a shark, we have to congratulate the little guy. I know what you’re thinking: time to shotgun! The last to finish has to troll, meaning he or she sits under the coffee table for the rest of the episode (that doesn’t exempt the straggler from drinking, by the way).
9. When Colossus is located after a two-year search in Air Jaws: Fin of Fury, head to the kitchen and see if you can find a beer that’s been hidden in the back of the fridge, one that’s likely been sitting there far too long. Drink in the name of a successful search.
10. Whenever Jaws is mentioned or the theme plays, yell, “We’re going to need a bigger bottle of water!” Take the chance to sober up, so as to avoid that inevitable, nasty hangover, but use this time to think about how Jaws is just a movie, sharks aren’t actually man-eaters, and we pose more of a threat to them than they do us.
Whoa, this is getting a little too deep. I could use a drink…
Shark Week begins with Air Jaws: Fin of Fury at 8 p.m. ET/PT tonight on Discovery Channel