There are two types of people on the internet right now: Those who count this as Friday’s biggest sports news, and those who care much more about Pottermore’s fictional Quidditch World Cup.

The main thing this made-up event has over LeBron’s return to Cleveland? Commentator Rita Skeeter, who’s on hand less to report on the made-up facts (that’s Quidditch correspondent Ginny Potter-née-Weasley’s job) than to deliver some juicy, made-up gossip about the main characters in J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series. (The best part: All the snark comes directly from Rowling’s own quill.)

Please feast your eyes on the notorious gossip hound’s most hilariously nasty one-liners, reprinted below. (The best one: Is Neville Longbottom day-drunk?!) As the “game” is ongoing, we’ll update this post whenever Rita spews something especially heinous. (Update: It’s all over! Click through for the best of the best.) And for the full effect, please press “play” before reading.

“Up in VIP Box Two, Ronald Weasley appears to have become catatonic. Did I just see wife Hermione Granger administer a sharp elbow to the ribs?”

“Almost all of the Weasley family are supporting Brazil. Certainly nobody can have expected Ronald to cheer on his wife’s ex-boyfriend.”

“Rose [Weasley], who appears to have inherited her father’s unfortunate hair…”

“Hermione Granger is not wearing anything to indicate which team she is supporting. Does she secretly hope to see Krum take the trophy at last? Or is this the kind of diplomatic neutrality one might expect of a ruthless careerist whose long-term ambition is undoubtedly to be Minister for Magic?”

“Neville Longbottom is already on his feet cheering, even though nothing has really happened yet. Is he drunk?”

“Some might hesitate to accept baked goods from Lovegood, whose schoolgirl nickname, I am reliably informed, was ‘Loony.'”

“Albus Potter has almost toppled out of the VIP box cheering his Quidditch hero. His uncle Ronald seized the back of his robes and saved him from what would surely have been a death of international significance, spawning news stories across the wizarding world. Brother James is laughing heartily (did he push his brother?).”

“Head of the Department of Magical Transportation Percy Weasley is frowning as he follows the match. Greying and balding, he has aged considerably since the Battle of Hogwarts (where, of course, he became the unfortunate embodiment of the phrase ‘better late than never’).”

“Like [Charlie Weasley’s] sister-in-law Hermione ‘Bored Yawn’ Granger…”

“Nobody who witnessed it will ever forget the shock on Scamander’s face when he saw Lovegood’s wedding dress—rainbows, spangles and a tiara of silver unicorn horns, voted ‘Most Hideous Outfit of the Year’ by readers of my regular Daily Prophet column.”

“While Lovegood and Scamander appear to be holding hands in the VIP box, this might well be because Rolf is trying to prevent his wife from putting on one of her famous Special Event Hats.”

“George Weasley, wealthy co-owner of joke shop Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes, has only one ear. This disability did not prevent him from marrying his dead brother’s ex-girlfriend Angelina Johnson, or from fathering two children with her.”

“A great groan has issued from the crowd, undoubtedly in response to Ronald Weasley flagrantly and openly kissing his wife on the cheek.”

“Teddy Lupin has accidentally punched his girlfriend on the nose as he gesticulates—are we about to witness a beakup, live at the Quidditch World Cup?”

“With a determined grin on h is face, Ronald Weasley conceal shis inevitable annoyance that his wife’s ex-love is being feted by the Quidditch world.”

“Young albus is applauding, doubtless at the prompting of his publicity hungry father.”

“My colleague, ginny Potter, is approaching me, no doubt with another tedious correc—”

—which is when Ginny jinxed Rita, rendering her “unaccountably ill.” And that’s the game!