Credit: Warner Bros.

The good news: J.K. Rowling has finally given us an update on what Harry, Ron, Hermione, and the other ringleaders of Dumbledore’s Army are up to now.

The take-it-with-a-grain-of-magical-salt news: The new material is only about 1500 words long, hardly enough to satisfy serious Potterheads… and it’s written in the voice of Rita Skeeter, the notoriously unreliable gossip columnist Harry and co. tangled with in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. (Nerd alert: If we want to get technical, this report actually covers events that occur before Deathly Hallows‘ “19 Years Later” epilogue, which technically takes place in 2017.)

Still, there are plenty of fascinating nuggets contained in the new article, the latest feature in Pottermore‘s ongoing coverage of the Quidditch World Cup. (Rowling’s been writing “reports” about the Wizarding World’s biggest sporting event for months.) Among them:

– Harry, who will celebrate his 34th birthday July 31, “continues to wear the distinctive round glasses that some might say are better suited to a style-deficient twelve-year-old,” according to Rita. He’s also “sporting a nasty cut over his right cheekbone,” likely due to some sort of mysterious Auror work.

– He and Viktor Krum are still pals. Triwizard survivors for life!

– Ron’s “famous ginger hair appears to be thinning slightly;” yes, but how’s his weird old age makeup?

– Hermione’s hair, meanwhile, is still a mess, according to Rita anyway. More importantly: “After a meteoric rise to Deputy Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, she is now tipped to go even higher within the Ministry.” Hermione for President of Everything, please.

– Thanks to previous JKR interviews, we already knew that Neville became Hogwarts’ Herbology teacher and married Hufflepuff Hannah Abbott; the new article reveals that although the two have been living above the Leaky Cauldron, they may be planning a full-time move to the U.K.’s most famous wizarding school: “Rumour has it that Hannah has not only retrained as a Healer, but is applying for the job of Matron at Hogwarts.” (Rita also notes that Hannah and Neville “both enjoy a little more Ogden’s Old Firewhisky than most of us would expect from custodians of our children,” which is obviously a vicious rumor.)

– Teddy Lupin and Victoire Weasley are snogging up a storm: “The good news,” Rita sniffs, “is both of them seem to have invented a method of breathing through their ears.”

– Charlie Weasley continues to be a confirmed bachelor; that’s fanfiction bait if I’ve ever seen it.

– And finally, Luna Lovegood is delightfully nutty as ever: Rita writes that she’s “been sweeping around the VIP section in robes composed of the flags of all sixteen qualifying countries.”

– Actually, strike that—one more thing: Rita’s next book, Dumbledore’s Army: The Dark Side of the Demob, “will be available from Flourish and Blotts on July 31st.” Fingers crossed even Muggles will get to read a few excerpts.

No Pottermore account? You’re in luck: The Today show has a full reproduction of Rowling’s latest on its website.