7 terrible things that could happen if Netflix paid you to watch TV
Netflix has a job opening that most of us probably want to fill: the opportunity to be paid to watch Netflix. The website is looking for a Tagger in the UK and Ireland, someone who watches hours upon hours of TV (and even some Netflix originals in advance) and then assesses the genre, tone, and personality of each piece of content to help determine what users might want to watch next.
According to Netflix’s job posting, the Tagger’s job is to “deconstruct” the films and TV programs that will be on Netflix in the future, and then describe them using objective tags. Netflix’s tags, as previously reported by The Atlantic, then create those Franken-genres that the website is infamous for: High School Comedies with a Strong Female Lead, Art Action Movies, Ominous Movies Set in Asia. In short, if you live in the UK or Ireland, this is the cheerful Netflix add for you:
But before you reach for your resume, we want to warn you about the downside of this supposed dream job:
1. You’re probably underqualified. The Independent reports that current Netflix Taggers include “a mum who speaks fluent Hindi and has worked on several procedural crime shows, a French native and former keyboard player in Stereolab now living in New York who tags French-language content and a film director working on his third feature starring Tim Roth who lives in Mexico City and tags Spanish-language content.” The Netflix staff looks you over when you arrive, and quickly realize you have no special skills. You’re assigned to tag all the reality baking competitions (and you have to use tags that aren’t Reality Baking Competition and Not Here to Make Friends).
2. Vitamin D deficiency, severe bedhead, morning breath. The usual.
3. You’d have to invent a new name for your job at family reunions. It’s either telling people “I work in marketing” or getting calls every 48 hours from older relatives who want your help with “the cloud” so they can watch “that show with the guy who your aunt likes” (New Girl—because your aunt is the one diehard Lamorne Morris fan).
4. Words would lose their meaning. After tagging 5 seasons of British Costume Dramas Starring Hugh Dancy That Are Critical of the Complacency of the Victorian Parliament, your brain melts. Everything is Quirky when you think about it too hard. That ’70s Show is definitely a Period Piece. Everyone wears costumes on TV; everything has some conflict: Everything is a Costume Drama!
5. Your grasp on reality could slip: Life becomes less real than television, and so you begin to tag the events in your own life. High school: Quirky Coming-of-Age Comedies. College: Raunchy Fight-the-System Dramadies. Your commute: Slow-Moving Mysteries. Your pets: 1950s-era Cartoons. Your job at Netflix: Movies Written by Charlie Kaufman.
6. You don’t get assigned the next season of Orange is the New Black. You leave your computer for two minutes, and the one show that could make it all better goes to your coworker Mike—Mike, who will probably just tag the show under “Prison Comedies” and be done with it. It’s MORE THAN A COMEDY, MIKE! HAVE YOU NO GRASP OF COMPLEXITY?
7. Just as you begin to beg for the sweet release of sanity, your boss assigns Battlestar Galactica.This happens: