July 04, 2014 at 04:00 AM EDT

Frozen Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer
This concept of a ”spoon” confuses and frightens him, but his ice cream is fun for all ages. (Stone! Bronze! Modern!)

The Ambiguously Sorbet Duo
Are they sorbet? Are they sherbet? Are they frozen yogurt? Pick a side, boys.

The Swirl You Wish You Hadn’t Started Eating at the Party
You think it’s inappropriate for chocolate and vanilla to intermingle? You need to open your mind. Like, 100 million cows die every day because of your ignorance…

Bloody Mary Katherine Gallagher
Made with real tomato juice squeezed in her armpits.

Vanessa Bayer Aspirin Brittle
Because Jacob the Heath Bar Mitzvah Boy turned out to be lactose intolerant.

Drunk Chunkle
So I wasn’t made at Whole Sprouts Banana Republic Farms. So I don’t contain what the FDA calls ”food.” So I taste like a whiskey-soaked, tobacco-stained, vomit-covered Christmas sweater…

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