Credit: Disney

It’s a tale as old as time: Creepy old woman asks to use your phone on a cold prologue night, elementary school-age prince declines because his parents raised him well, aforementioned spinster casts a curse on the kid and his entire staff, whose only crime was trying to get by on the crazy merry-go-round we call This Provincial Life.

That’s how Beauty and the Beast transformed a whole ensemble of domestic workers into pieces of furniture and assorted household objects. Certainly it was an unfortunate fate for all of The Beast’s staff, but especially for the ones with bad enough karma to be transformed into, say, a wardrobe—or worse, a teacup without a face.

The big question: How was each servant’s individual furniture fate decided? Was it random? A lottery? A premeditated enchantment? We can’t all be like Mrs. Potts and just coincidentally turn into our namesake. Or maybe that’s exactly what the depraved sorceress intended when she punished the help. Was she hiding a love of wordplay underneath that haggard appearance? Do the good servants get to retain their faces and bad ones get punished by losing their ability to communicate entirely? What did you have to do in your former life to be turned into a spoon?

I asked my colleagues at EW what they think they’d become, should the EW office ever fall under an unfortunate Beauty and the Beast-like spell. (It could happen.) Most answers reflected food-based predilections—fridge, slow cooker, and at least two cast iron skillets—which is only valid, since we get our snack on.

So here’s today’s Lunchtime Poll:

Please elaborate on your choice in the comments.

Beauty and the Beast (1991)
  • Movie
  • G
  • Gary Trousdale
  • Kirk Wise