May 30, 2014 at 04:00 AM EDT

“I have not calculated how much your diplomas cost in time and money. Whatever those ballpark figures are, they surely deserve this reaction from me today: Wow. Wow. Wow.”

“Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites, representing nothing. All they do is show you’ve been to college.”

“If I have offended some of you by speaking ill of Thomas Jefferson, tough titty for you.”

“There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don’t know what can be done to fix it. This is it: only nutcases want to be president.”

You May Like