Whoopi Golberg pens love letter to vaporizer

Whoopi Goldberg is in love, guys. But not with a human — with her vaporizer pen.

The EGOT winner is now writing for The Cannabist (a publication all about, well, guess). In her first piece, she explains how her trusty vaporizer pen has helped her deal with the pain of glaucoma. Goldberg’s daughter gave her the instrument — and that’s when her love affair with Sippy (yes, “her” name is Sippy) was born.

To get a feeling for how Goldberg really feels about her pen, here are all the quotes from her column that could easily be lines from a Nicholas Sparks novel — that is, if Nicholas Sparks decided to make a jump into stoner romance:

“They’re seriously that blown away by my vape pen. And they should be. She’s that amazing.”

“The vape pen has changed my life. No, I’m not exaggerating.”

“I took a sip. It was beautiful. And my pen and I have been together ever since.”

“I love my Sippy, it’s true.”

“But then I find her, and it relaxes everything and calms everything.”

“The high is different, too. It feels like a gentle, warm breeze at the beach.”

“I take Sippy everywhere I go. And I’m respectful when I’m in a city that may not understand what I have, so I don’t flaunt her.”