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The 1989 Shelley Long luxury vehicle Troop Beverly Hills turns 25 today, which means 1) You’re even older than you thought, and 2) It’s high time Phyllis Nefler — troop leader to us all — receives the (likely waist-cinching) sash of Wilderness Girl patches she has always deserved. Join me on this stroll down memory lane before those stinkin’ Red Feathers swarm in like poisonous water moccasins and corrupt the route!

The Anne Shirley Commemorative Puffed Sleeves patch:

The Putting Things In Perspective patch:

“Smokey the Bear isn’t going through a terribly messy divorce.”

The Appropriate Gardening Attire patch:

“The neighbors around here can be so self-involved….oh, sh*t, I broke a nail!”

The Fondue Appreciation At Any Cost patch:

The Perfectly Timed Swig of Champagne patch:

Her hands… were like ice after delivering the chilling “He Permed Me!!!!!” scary story

The Ultimate Pausing For Applause Patch:

You think the Beverly Hills Hotel is roughing it? “One bathroom, for nine people? Yes.”

The Incredible High Kick While Pulling a Wheelchair Uphill patch:

Always Be Freddie-ing.

The Geographical Awareness patch:

Phyllis: “Never go to Reno, girls. The California community property laws can’t be beat.” (And later: “I think the campsite is at Cartier, so to speak.”)

The Ability to Pull Off Fringed Pants Without Being a Dancing With the Stars Contestant patch:

Bonus points for the so un-PC (now…)Native American headdress

The Happy Birthday Harmonization patch:

Poor Chica (Carla Gugino, second from right). Her parents were in Monte Carlo!

The Reference I Never Got As A Kid patch:

“What goes better with hobos than wine?”

The Accessorizing To Match A Hideous Uniform patch:

Never noticed this watch either.

The Waging a Dangerous Game, Shoulder-Wise patch:

(And Fascinator-Wise):

Plus, Robin Leach earns the Catchphrase patch for “It’s khaki wishes and cookie dreams!”

The Just Like Ariel Emerging From The Caspian Sea patch:

The Redefining Addiction Through Hydration patch:

Shut up and bring her the Evian bottle!

The Inventive Use Of A Tennis Racket Patch:

She really needs to work on her backhand.

The Subversive Saddlebags patch:

Only a fabulous-fabulous-fabulously skinny person could work those pants.

And you know who still doesn’t deserve any patches?

Velda, for turning that skunk into an instant hat. SHE’S SO TERRIBLE.

Hmmmm. I need a happier ending than that…….

The Overacting in White Linens patch:

Awarded to Craig T. Nelson. “What a thrill!”

Does this post HAVE to end? (Yes.) Isn’t it fabulous?