By Lanford Beard
Updated March 20, 2014 at 04:42 PM EDT
Credit: Michael Parmelee/NBC
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Alec Baldwin popped up on Wednesday’s episode of Law & Order: SVU as hard-boiled newspaperman Jimmy MacArthur, who has a passion for exposing the truth, a nose for conspiracies, and takes pleasure in sticking it to the corrupt members of New York’s upper echelon.

Sound familiar? Baldwin’s exchanges with star Mariska Hargitay (who made her directorial debut with this episode entitled “Criminal Stories”) were as scene-chewingly over-the-top as you might expect — not unlike Baldwin, who has been known to possess a flair for stirring up controversy himself.

Can you differentiate Jimmy Mac’s SVU lines from the words of the Golden Globe-winning firebrand actor? Test your Baldwin barometer now!

1. “The only assault here is on the truth.”

2. “That hack’s lying. You know how you can tell? He’s breathing.”

3. “I haven’t changed, but public life has.”

4. “You want me to autograph the front page for you?”

5. “There’s less critical thinking going on in this country… than ever before. We’ve never needed people to think more critically than now, and they’ve taken a big nap.”

6. “America is competitive. We compete with each other every day.”

7. “She’s a phony who doesn’t have the same passion for the truth off-camera that she seems to have on the air.”

8. “Write this down, it’s a funny name: G-O space F-U…”

9. “There are people who would rather choke than [listen to me]. They write me letters all the time.”

10. “Don’t cry for [me]. I always land on my feet. I’m 55 years old, my profession is dying, my ex-wives all hate me… and I never felt better in my life. I said my piece, and now the whole world knows that I got balls the size of Jupiter.”

11. “I’m not interested in offending anyone.”

12. “[I’d] put my foot up your [expletive]… but I’m sure you’d dig it too much.”

13. “You can get down on your knees until they’re raw. I’m not going to change my mind.”

14. “The NSA keeps butt-dialing me…”

15. “It’s time to go because you are boring me — and that is the greatest sin of all.”

16. “Don’t forget the Knicks tickets.” (on the perks of fame)

17. “New York… where people come for their Ph.D. in corruption.”

18. “Manhattan is like Beverly Hills. And the soul of New York has moved to Brooklyn, where everything new and exciting seems to be.”

19. “Nothing new. The biggest man always gets the cheese.”

20. “It never ceases to amaze me how a cadre of hateful liars can hijack a [story] and accent only the negative and omit the good.”

21. “You read some columnists in the newspapers; you have to wonder who they are really working for. You can see they have an agenda.”

22. “Some days you’re the kid with the stick, some days you’re the piñata.”

23. “Every time that kid’s name goes into a search engine, this story will come up. He can hire all the reputation managers he wants, he’s toast.”

24. “If I wanted to sell out, I would have done that a long time ago. I should throw you out of here on your can.”

25. “You are a real sob sister, you know that?”

26. “To be misunderstood is the worst feeling.”


MacArthur: 1, 2, 4, 8, 10, 13, 15, 16, 19, 22, 23, 24, 25

Baldwin: 3, 5, 6, 7, 9, 11, 12, 14, 17, 18, 20, 21, 22, 26

Episode Recaps

Law & Order: SVU

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