By Samantha Highfill
Updated March 14, 2014 at 04:51 AM EDT
Credit: Sven Frenzel/The CW
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You guys, the King just humped a woman out of a window! He literally humped someone to their death. That just happened, and I don’t know how to feel about it. Honestly, that was the second greatest hump I’ve ever seen, behind this one. Now, let me attempt to write this react through my tears of laughter.

The episode started with Mary and Francis returning from their two-month honeymoon. Look, I get that being royal is cool because you’re rich and you get to have all these fancy parties, but I’ve never wanted to be royal until this moment. A two-month honeymoon? Count me in! Long story short: Mary was dreading their return to the politics and the backstabbing. She much preferred the castle-hopping and the sex. And can you blame her?

Back at court, there was definitely some politicking happening. A French ship had “accidentally” fired on a Bohemian vessel, so the King and Queen were trying to convince the Archduke and Duchess of Bohemia that a war was not necessary. Things were going well, and when the King caught the Archduke eyeing Kenna, he introduced his lover to her suitor of the week. He might have been old and believed his bride should be a virgin, but hey, he was an Archduke after all. But hold that thought — Mary and Francis have returned! (Where were the royal trumpets?)

Immediately upon Mary and Francis’ arrival, Catherine told Francis about Bash’s guards being killed, which brought us to the snow-covered woods, where a beautiful hunter tackled a crossbow-carrying Bash in order to save him from a boar trap. She then brought Bash back to the home she shared with her brother when they saw something in the woods. Oh hey Olivia! What’s up? Why are you in the woods, and more importantly, why are you crawling on all fours? Surely that isn’t the fastest way to get anywhere, especially in the snow. Then again, her strange behavior (and obvious lack of conditioner) could’ve had to do with the bite mark on her arm. According to the hunters, she had been chosen, “touched by the darkness,” and other creepy things.

But let’s make sure we get back to the castle for the main event: Kenna was winning over the Archduke with her speech about purity as the King pressed the Duchess up against walls and made out with her neck. Only, when he pushed her up against the window and it opened, he decided not to let that slow him down, and as a result, she plummeted to her death. At least she died doing what she loved? I couldn’t make this stuff up.

However, this entire plot ended up being my favorite, because it paired Henry and Catherine together. Henry disrupted Catherine’s chat about helping Mary to get pregnant — in which she gave Mary a chest rub and a penis rub — in order to ask her how he could best cover up this accident. Cue my favorite visual of the night! The King and Queen of France on their hands and knees scrubbing blood. Catherine reminded her husband to “Be sure to pick up all the solid bits.” “If we’re lucky, it will look like you spilled wine.” Their plan was to move the body to the right room and then make it look like she jumped out of that window, committing suicide. And perhaps the best part was the King dropping the body during the move and claiming, “She’s heavier than she looks.” Honestly, the humor between these two was priceless, and there’s more where that came from in a moment!

After Bash brought Olivia to Nostradamus for help, he went up to visit Mary, where he informed her about his guards. He thought Francis tried to kill him in a moment of anger and jealousy. She claimed that even getting proof of that wouldn’t change anything. “It might change your heart,” Bash said. But she wasn’t phased. When Bash threatened to retaliate if it were true, Mary told him to watch himself. But he got the last word in: “Find out who you’re married to. If you need me, put a light in your window. I’ll meet you in the woods, where we first kissed.” Two thoughts: 1) Good try, Bash. I applaud you not giving in, but Mary chose Francis out of love, so it’s going to be harder than that. And 2) Is he talking about their first kiss when she was drunk? Because they were sitting by the water, which could be on the edge of the woods, I guess, but that threw me off. Am I crazy?

Mary quickly asked Francis’ guards about their orders, which made Francis angry. He explained to her that they’re royals and that they have power, so all she can do is take him at his word. He didn’t order anyone to kill Bash, “but I can promise you he’s not safe with me.” Like that, Mary put a light in her window.

Elsewhere in the castle, Lola was 100 percent pregnant, and Kenna knew it. She told her of a servant who had terminated a pregnancy, so Lola went off to do the same. But when Mary found out, she had Bash lead her to Lola. She got there just in time to stop Lola and to find out that the baby was her husband’s. Mary was obviously very upset with Lola. She claimed that Lola was well aware that Mary was still in love with Francis, which is very true. But Lola begged Mary to keep her secret from Francis for now, before she becomes chained to the French court forever.

Also keeping a secret, Catherine and Henry bickered over what to put in the suicide note of the poor, poor Duchess. This interaction was perfection:

Henry: “She deserved a better end.”

Catherine: “Don’t we all…”

Then, they tossed her out the window just in time to ruin the Archduke’s proposal to Kenna. But the Archduke knew it was foul play because his sister had never learned to write. Good thing Catherine is fast on her feet! After learning that Olivia had woken up in the middle of the night and killed a priest with his own crucifix — it happened — Catherine put the two stories together. She claimed that the Duchess had slept with the priest and then thrown herself out the window in a moment of guilt and shame. There were other layers to the story, but the important thing is that the Archduke believed it. After agreeing not to start a war, the Archduke left town without proposing to Kenna, who ended things in the King’s quarters, where he shoved her up against an open window. What was that look on his face? Is he killing people on purpose? Because the first one definitely looked like an accident. Maybe he liked how it felt? Either way, is it bad that I still find him super, super sexy? Catherine was crazy for turning those lips away.

After retrieving Lola, Mary told Bash to leave. “There is nothing for you here.” But he told her that he needed to protect her. It was protection she could not accept as a married woman. “You cannot care for me in any way,” she told him. She asked for him to hate her, but he simply said, “If I were capable of that, I would.” Oh, Bash.

We ended things with Bash telling his hunter friend that he was leaving France before he decided to kiss her instead — he moves fast. And then, when Olivia woke up, she told Nostradamus, “It’s close, the darkness. It’s coming, and it will take us all.” And if that’s the case, then I think the Duchess probably had the best death anyone could ask for, amirite?

So what did you all think of the episode? I thought it was a lot of fun. Personally, I’d watch Catherine and Henry hang out for hours on end. Was the deathly sexcapade a little much? Sure. But I also kind of love it. More importantly, what’s next for Lola, and how will it affect Frary? Also, is there a vampire of sorts in the woods? Does he look like Ian Somerhalder? Sound off in the comments below!


Henry: In keeping with our agreement that I provide a new suitor each week …

Kenna: And I provide you with an infinite amount of carnal pleasure.

“Roll it forward, the way my chefs do stuffed pastry.” -Catherine on the dead body

Catherine: My husband will attest I’m not a judgmental person … Henry?

Henry: She’s really not.

“You’re very charming when you’re not trying to kill me.” -Catherine to Henry

“She could’ve thrown herself off of any precipice in Europe. Why here?” -Kenna on the dead body ruining her proposal

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A sexy, historical fiction CW take on the lives of Mary, Queen of Scots and her royal court.
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