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It’s a well-known fact that everyone wants to be Jennifer Lawrence’s best friend. Who among us hasn’t imagined scarfing down pizza with the American Hustle star while laughing at fart jokes and oh, yeah — hanging with Bradley Cooper like it ain’t no thang? But we never knew what it was actually like to be J. Law’s best friend — until now.

Lawrence’s real-life BFF, model Laura Simpson, was the actress’ date to last week’s Oscars, which led Simpson to write a pretty epic MySpace post about the night. Truly, it may go down as the greatest behind-the-scenes report from the Academy Awards ever. Why? Because Simpson is understandably starstruck and recounts Hollywood’s most exclusive evening through a real-person lens. So while she got to rub shoulders with Brad Pitt, guess what? Some parts of attending the Oscars aren’t nearly as glamorous as they seem.

For instance, the red carpet is not for “normals”:

“We finally arrive at the red carpet and as we exit the car, my date eats sh– and uses my freshly done Lauren Conrad up do to break her fall,” Simpson writes. “The crowd goes wild. There are flashbulbs and people circling yet no one asks if I need any help because unless you are famous at the Oscars, you are completely invisible. … The only time anyone talks to you is if you are in the way of his or her photo.”

And you can’t see — or eat — much once inside:

“Basically everyone in the theater is just sitting in complete darkness during the categories,” Simpson explains. “It’s hot and you feel like you’re going to pass out. After waiting for my date’s category, her dad and I decide to hit the bar and just watch from the monitor behind the bar and slam a few drinks to make this tolerable. The Academy really needs to spring for more hors d’oeuvres options because now everyone is hammered.”

Still, the Oscars is pretty much the coolest party you could ever attend. Here’s what happened to Simpson in the green room:

“Some guy picks up my purse that had fallen off my seat and I say ‘Thank you … Channing Tatum’ and my dress gets caught on Jennifer Garner and we awkwardly laugh and someone tries to separate us. The lovely pregnant Kerry Washington asks me if she could have the Slim Jim in my purse. Glenn Close shows us her Oscar secret, which is a handmade corset and a dress long enough to hide her comfortable shoes.”

But after the show was even better:

“We go backstage where I meet Brad and Angelina,” Simpson writes. “Brad Pitt smells amazing, like nothing I’ve ever smelled. Eventually we ask what cologne he’s wearing and he tells us, ‘I don’t wear cologne, it’s just my musk I guess.’ I have to choose not to believe him because it would just be unfair to mankind.”

And then there are the after-parties, where Simpson… got hit on by Bill Murray:

“I … decide to follow Bill Murray around the party. At one point he looks in my direction and winks at me while dancing to ‘If You Want My Body and You Think I’m Sexy’ by Rod Stewart — a moment, I now realize, my whole life had been leading up to.”

And had a moment with Rachel Zoe:

“Before I leave, Rachel Zoe grabs my arm and tells me I look ‘mage’ (if you don’t know her lingo, that’s short for major and the highest compliment you can receive).”

Simpson ends her post by naming her own winners of the night in categories that include Most Impressive (Kerry Washington) and Most Hollywood (Harvey Weinstein).

Simpson says she met Lawrence at a party seven years ago; they bonded over Chandler Bing and have “been eating pizza together ever since.” And now we want to be besties with Laura Simpson, too.