Comedian Patton Oswalt takes the reins of Film Independent's 28th annual Spirit Awards (March 1, IFC, 10 p.m.); we asked the host to convince us why we should watch yet another awards show, particularly one held on the eve of the Academy Awards

By Nicole Sperling
Updated February 21, 2014 at 05:00 AM EST

Reason 1
“We’re going to have the even more relaxed McConaughey. We’ll have the McConaughey who is relaxed at X-Men levels. He practically has relaxation superpowers.”

Reason 2
“No songs. I personally will not be singing anything. I would never inflict that on the public. Me singing would be the equivalent of a hate crime. No dancing, either. I’m going to try to move as little as possible. I’m going to go out there and plant my feet, and if they give me a stool, I’ll use that, too.”

Reason 3
“There will be way less Botox and plastic surgery. I think on a person-by-person basis, we will have much less [cosmetic enhancement] than that other awards show. That’s a plus. I like people looking like human beings. Aging is beautiful.”

Reason 4
“To see my attempts at jokes about 12 Years a Slave. I don’t know if I can pull them off, but you’ll know on March 1 if I’m successful.”

Reason 5
“I’m a cuter lesbian than Ellen DeGeneres.”