Don’t you wish that Neil Gaiman was your kooky uncle? He would sneak you into the circus and you’d get to hold the Biggest Amazonian Python That Ever Lived (whose name is Lucille). He’d help you put frogs in your sister’s bathtub. He’d keep secrets for you, like that time that you accidentally buried your dad’s favorite watch in the park. He would agree that pirate treasure is only good if it’s buried. To help you cement the fantasy that Gaiman is your favorite uncle, here he is reading Dr. Seuss’ Green Eggs and Ham.

A federal judge sentenced a woman to five years in prison and also assigned her some reading for the long nights behind bars. What philosophical tome would a judge think a former eco-saboteur could benefit from? Malcolm Gladwell’s David and Goliath. Naturally. [Gawker]

Apple is in an ongoing legal scuffle over the prices of their e-books. Bloomberg reported that consumers are demanding $840 million in damages. Turns out you’re not the only one who thought you were overpaying for 50 Shades of Grey on your ipad. But before you get excited, it’s unlikely that you will be getting any of that money back. [Bloomberg]

If you were dying to know how Zadie Smith feels about tipping waiters, let out a sigh of relief because she’s laid it all out for The Telegraph today. In short, she finds giving money to the delivery man “awkward.” If I felt indignant on behalf of America’s “service with a smile,” her dig at the Astor Place Pret A Manger made up for it. Smith also has a short story in The New Yorker this week. [The Telegraph]