By Darren Franich
Updated January 23, 2014 at 12:00 PM EST
Richard Foreman/Fox


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Keegan Deane is a bad man. He’s not, like, a supervillain — though various disappointed women and debtors might argue the point — but he definitely makes a habit of committing minor sins on a regular basis. Keegan is also the star of Rake, a.k.a. House But Like a Lawyer This Time, and the premiere of the new Fox show played out like a veritable laundry list of minor moral infractions by the anti-heroic protagonist. You can read our critic Jeff Jensen’s review of the premiere hour here — or just read on for the laundry list!

1. When we meet Keegan, he already owes someone $59,000, earning him a beating from a friendly enforcer. Owing this much money is not necessarily a crime, but we can all agree that it is not quite an example of modeling bad behavior.

2. After bringing a beautiful woman to a party and then ignoring her for several hours to further indulge his gambling addiction, he brings said beautiful woman to the home of his married-with-children friends Ben and Scarlett. It is strongly implied that he has sex with the woman on the bed that usually belongs to Ben and Scarlett’s son.

3. In the process, he also breaks several parking restrictions, getting his car towed in the process. You judge, but this actually happens to everyone in Los Angeles all of the time.

4. Mistakenly identifies said beautiful woman the next day as “Castanya.” (Real name: Chasty. Gotta love Los Angeles!)

5. Makes his friend Ben lie to Scarlett about the existence of said beautiful woman, therefore putting Ben into what scientists refer to as “the doghouse.”

6. Drives with an expired license. Specifically, driving a car he doesn’t own with an expired license. More specifically, driving several children to school in a car he doesn’t own with an expired license.

7. Is late to his regular appointment with local hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold Mikki. You judge, but this actually happens to everyone in Los Angeles all of the time.

8. He attempts to sell a rare tuna for $15,000 as a way to begin to pay off the aforementioned $59,000, but a potential buyer offers $25,000. Said buyer later lowers the price to $14,000, citing the tuna’s lack of fat. Rather than just taking the money and beginning to pay off his many debts, Keegan demands the full $25,000, eventually getting the price lowered to $10,000, and then to nothing.

9. Upon discovering that his client might be an innocent man, Keegan immediately starts imagining the payoff a Civil Suit might bring. “$100 million! $200 million!” When someone reminds him that he would also be helping an innocent man, Keegan confusingly responds: “Who?”

10. Taking his underage son for a driving lesson, he ignores his son’s cries of fear with regards to driving on the freeway. When his son, terrified, finally stops the car in the middle of the road, another car rams them. Greg Kinnear + Children + Cars = Disaster.

11. Shamelessly flirts with Greta Van Susteren during an appearance on her show. Fortunately, Greta Van don’t even give him the time of the day.

12. Uses byzantine logic to get his somewhat-innocent client to admit to the one murder he did commit while agreeing to get his other eight convictions overturned. I guess technically this is an example of doing the right thing. Maybe Rake is really about how there’s no such thing as “the right thing.” Los Angeles!

13. Picks up his car at the impound lot intending to drive, once again, without a license. Upon discovering that the LAPD has achieved vengeance by squashing his car into a cube, he leaves the aforementioned rare tuna inside one of the cop’s cars. I guess he broke into the car? That’s probably not a good thing, right?

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